When I told him he went crazy

I get really sad

On July 4^th 1996, I got pregnant after a year of dating my ex-boyfriend. When I told him he went crazy, the first words that came out of his-mouth weren't very nice. He told me that it was all my fault, he even said that the child wasn't his. Ever since we had doubts about my pregnancy until the time it was confirmed, he told me that we had to take care of it as soon as possible. So against my will I went to an abortion clinic and a friend of mine went with me. I knew that he wasn't going to help me anyway, be it emotional or financial. So I decided to have an abortion.

I really wanted the baby but I couldn't have been able to raise it by myself and I never had any emotional support through it all; from beginning to end I was alone. My parents never knew and to this day my dad is the only one who I've told from my family. 

I was very happy when I heard the news that I was going to be a mom. I've always loved children, I think that they are the best thing that can ever happen to someone, they're so sweet and peaceful, like little angels.

I was very nervous at the clinic, they told me I couldn't eat anything and they made me sign a piece of paper saying that I was fully responsible if anything should happen to me, they drew blood, had a urine test done and an ultrasound. After that I waited for what seemed like forever then they called me in to talk to one of their counselors, and she was pretty much trying to convince me to go through with it. She said that I was very young and had a whole life ahead of me, that it was for the better. I was very nervous about the whole thing and I just started crying; after that she told me that they would call me when everything was ready for the procedure.

My mind was completely blank, I couldn't think about anything at the time. After a while they called me in again and they lead me to a room, told me to take my clothes off, put a robe on, lay down and that the doctor would be right with me. 

The doctor came in with a nurse and with the counselor, they used local anesthesia and all of a sudden I felt this really strong suction inside my womb, it hurt a lot and it was like someone was pulling all of my organs out. The whole thing was done in about 5 minutes. 

The feelings I had during the procedure were all mixed, I was scared, sad, angry, guilty, nervous. After that I got dressed and went into a recuperating room where 5 other women were laying down and resting. They gave me some medicines in case of infection and left me there. I was told that I could leave when I felt better. My stomach was so bloated, I had very bad cramps, I couldn't even walk because I felt my womb was so weak and whenever I took a step forward it felt like everything moved inside me. It was really awful. 

My friend drove me home and all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I knew that I had killed my baby. The decision I took to go through with the abortion really weighs me down, it's affected my whole life and the way I interact with other people. 

Some time ago I couldn't see a pregnant woman or anything that had to do with babies because I would just lose it, I'd start crying uncontrollably. It's been almost 3 years and my mood has changed a lot. I'm always angry, I have a sad look in my eyes and nothing makes me happy. I can't even enjoy life like I used to. I don't trust men at all, and it's been very hard for me to establish a healthy romantic relationship. I can't bond with people very good, there's always that little doubt inside me if someone does something to be nice I just think that they want to hurt me. 

My life has been hell these past years, I'm angry at the world and at myself. I still can't come to terms with what I did. I'm a lot more aggressive and on the edge, sometimes all I want to do is remember my baby and just sit and cry in my room. I've seen my baby's face in dreams and I know that it's a boy. I haven't seen his body but I can feel that it's a baby boy. These dreams have been very peaceful but I've had other dreams in which I've seen a baby's disfigured face. 

It's been really hard on me, now I'm so scared of getting pregnant, it's overwhelming. I think I've dealt with it the best that I've known how. 

I'm very much interested in helping other women so they don't make the same mistake A couple good friends of mine are pregnant right now and I'm so excited for them, I can't wait to see the babies. I've bought baby clothes for them and I always call them to see how they feel and stuff. A cousin of mine had a baby [recently]; she's a single mom, she had a baby girl -- as soon as I found out went to they hospital to see her and I held her in my arms, it was such a wonderful feeling! Of course I felt sad but I was also happy to be able to hold her, bathe her and dress her. I'm 'comfortable around babies, even though sometimes I get really sad. 

I just started going to a psychologist and we're working on the whole abortion issue, I've been in therapy for only a month but I think that it will really help me get through it all. I'd like to be my old self again! Therapy is not easy because you learn so many new things about your fears and yourself that maybe were hidden deep inside you for a long time. I think that in the end I will learn to trust people again and overcome all the obstacles I've faced in life with a good positive outlook on everything. I had never believed in abortion before and when I found myself in a big problem I took the easiest way out. I never thought that it would affect me as much. 

Right now the way I look at life is different, I think that life is one of the most precious gifts that a person can receive and many people don't value the fact that they're alive. Life can take a 180 degree turn in a matter of seconds. I've come to learn that you should be kind and compassionate with other people and try to understand why they act a certain way, it might be that the person is in a lot of pain and they act it out destructively because they can't seem to find a way out. 

The last thing I want to mention is that ABORTION IS A VIOLENT ACT AGAINST A HELPLESS HUMAN BEING, THE LAW SHOULD OPPOSE ABORTION. A lot of people are killing their own flesh and blood because it's legal, it's the easiest way out and it's a form of "birth control". I would advise women not make the decision I made, and to go ahead and have their baby with courage and pride no matter what the situation is, things work out in the long run. If you make the wrong decision, you will live with the regret, the guilt, and the sadness for the rest of your life. Abortion is a deep wound that will always be there.

P.S. I hope my story helps to open everyone's eyes and to change the way people think about abortion and its consequences.