My Abortion, a story about denial

I have always hated denial of any kind, yet when I was 22 and pregnant that is exactly what I did. I denied that there was a real Baby growing inside of me, but deep down I knew. I remember moments of clarity, fleeting moments, but for a split second many times I questioned, What am I doing? I remember feeling short spurts of wholeness and an intense love for this baby. I was beginning to fall in love. But, I thought I was being ridiculous and I had to push aside those feelings. The overall message I was hearing was that an abortion would solve my "problem", and never was this "problem" called a baby. This was simply a fetus. Abortion is always about denial of the truth and of course I had to get it over with as quickly as possible before the truth would come and hit me in the face.

The day I had my abortion was a gloomy dark day. I am not sure about the weather, but that is how I remember that day. I cried all the way home. I had my abortion in the spring of 1979 on my semester break from Nursing School. I had less than a year to graduate and my logic at the time was that this pregnancy would ruin my education.

I was intensely sad afterward. No one that knew I had an abortion would talk about it. The message I was getting from my friends and family was, let's just pretend this did not happen. More and more denial is what I felt all around me and of course I had stuffed away everything I was feeling. I was so sad and so alone. I now realize that I was mourning the death of my child with no one to talk to and no one to comfort me. One night, before I feel asleep, I cried out to God with a heart full of pain. That night Jesus came to me in a dream. I believe from that night on He began to show me the truth about what I did, and my healing had begun. But, I was still hurting.

I began sabotaging everything that played into my decision to have an abortion. I broke any ties to the father of the baby. I distanced myself from my mother and my friends and relatives that knew because I had secretly wished that someone would step in beforehand and say, Donna don't do it! And curiously enough, I quit Nursing School with only a few months to go until graduation.

God was merciful. I married in less than 2 years after my abortion and by 1985 I gave birth to two beautiful and healthy babies. My first-born was a beautiful little girl and my second-born was a beautiful baby boy. This was a turning point for me. It seemed like I had it all, and yet I still had a dark cloud hanging over me. Many times, when I looked into my little Christopher's face the reality of what I did years ago would just hit me. I had always known, somewhere deep down, that my first child was a baby boy. 

Little by little God was leading me down a path to a complete and total spiritual healing. It was like He was gently tapping me on my shoulder and showing me truth very slowly and very gently but only when He knew I was ready. Many years later in the early 1990's I finally found the courage to go for post abortion counseling.  Through this process God healed me spiritually. I was even able to forgive myself. That truly was the hardest part! God is all loving and He is so merciful!

I became a new person in Christ Jesus. I have regrets, yes, but the bitterness and the self-loathing are gone. I know God loves me and He forgives me, and I also know that my little Bright Light up in heaven loves me and forgives me too.

Although I have much to live for on this earth, I know now that when my days are up, I will see my first child. I am a mother of three.

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