Praying that God would stop me

I was a freshman in college, an honor student who was very career minded, when I discovered I was pregnant. I denied the pregnancy for months hoping it would go away. It did not.

Finally at 20 weeks, after weeks of agonizing over the decision and even praying that God would stop me, I numbly decided to abort. I had a saline abortion. After the procedure was underway, I became panicked and they had to sedate me while I gave birth to my dead baby. They had to hold me down because I was struggling to sit up to see the baby.

After I returned to college, guilt followed me like a black cloud. Nightmares were common and all self-worth was gone. I began to drink and do drugs and became promiscuous.

The road to healing has been long. It began with turning my life, for whatever it was worth, over to God and accepting His forgiveness. It was another two years before I could really feel forgiven, however, and forgive myself. God took me through the experience of confessing my sin to my parents and others, which was very healing. He has led me to help other women in crisis pregnancies. More recently, I went through a PACE support group and attended a funeral for my baby - which seemed to complete the healing.

I will never be the same as I was before the abortion. Someday I will meet my son, David, in heaven. Just as Jesus still bears the scars of the cross, my scars remain. But God has turned the pain into a thing which can bring glory to Him and lead others to forgiveness. Praise His Name!