Several years ago I made a selfish decision to terminate my pregnancy. I was divorced and had 2 children and was living a dangerous life style. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to find out about the life style I was living, so I went to a clinic and asked them to destroy the life inside of me. When I left that place I pushed everything way down and didn’t allow myself to think about it or feel anything toward the baby. I remarried 4 years later and gained 2 more children through marriage and then had 2 more children with my husband. I tried to be a good wife and mother and forget the past but I couldn’t. There was a long list of every bad thing I had ever done always in front of me with the abortion at the top of the list. I lived in fear of losing my husband and children because I was sure God was going to punish me for all the terrible things I had done and I couldn’t talk to anyone about this. For eight years I lived in constant guilt, fear and depression. Nobody could help. I had no joy or hope and it was getting harder and harder for me to function. I felt that I was in a dark hole and there was no way out of it.
On Friday night, November 4, 2000, I got down on the floor and began to cry and tell Jesus that I was sorry for every bad thing I had ever done. When I looked up Jesus was there and He gently pulled me up and privately cleaned all the filth off me. He told me He loved me just as I was. Then God saved my husband and changed him into a godly man. He gave me the courage to tell my husband about my past. God showed me His unconditional love through my husband, because, just like Jesus, he didn’t condemn me or leave me when I told him about having an abortion. Instead he stayed with me and helped me through the healing process. God transformed me from a dirty, fearful, black-hearted woman in the bottom of a dark hole, into a spotlessly clean, courageous, woman who is covered with the righteousness of God – and He calls me His beloved daughter.
For 12 years I never allowed myself to think about the baby I had lost. I never named or grieved over the baby. I never told anyone there was a baby. Today I want to tell you about my son who is in heaven. His name is David – named after King David because he also knew about being redeemed by God’s love. I can’t hold David in my arms, but I hold him in my heart and one day I will see him in heaven. I’m sure he is handsome and many times I cry when I think about him.
I want to leave you with God words from the 103rd Psalm. King David wrote it many years ago but God’s Word is alive – that means it was true then, it was true for me in 2000, and it is true for you today. This Word is true for anyone who chooses to believe it.
He forgives all our sins and heals us completely – physically,
emotionally, and spiritually. He redeems us from death and
instead crowns us with love and tender mercies. He fills our
life with good things … Psalm 103:3-5