From Shame to Victory

I was raised with Christian morals and values, always knowing abortion was wrong and would never be a choice for me, until I found myself pregnant at the age of 19. Living in an unfamiliar city, completely estranged from my family and being controlled by my boyfriend who was an alcoholic/drug addict. I was alone and felt if I did not follow through with his wishes, I would lose all that I thought I had at the time.  I had an abortion in April of 1996 and along with my baby, a part of me died that day.  I was never told of the affects it would have on me emotionally or physically. I married the man that was already abusive and the abuse grew even worse. Over the next 12 years I was self destructive, gained over 100 pounds, denied ever having an abortion, had nightmares, anxiety and the fear of someone finding out my secret was paralyzing.

The physical affects--my oldest daughter was born premature at 23 weeks and given less than a 10% change of living because of my incompetent cervix caused by my abortion. She is a walking miracle today and completely opposite of what we were told she would be. Praise God!  But she does suffer with developmental delays that we expect may last her lifetime.  I was on complete bed rest with my second child, having a cervical cerclage at 13 weeks as to not repeat a premature birth.  After this pregnancy it was suggested that I not have any more children, as my cervix probably would not hold up for it.  These are lifelong effects from my decision to abort; a decision based on ignorance that I thought was the answer to my crisis.

Twelve years of marriage ended in divorced leaving me to deal with the issues of my past. 

During the search to find myself and heal from my abusive marriage, I lost almost a whole person in weight and restored my relationship with God finding peace in a lot of ways, yet there was still something missing.  I still cringed at the "A" word and felt like I had committed the only unforgiveable sin and still carried my secret.  I taught women’s Bible studies and was a coordinator for our single mom's group at church, but had resigned to the fact that I would live with the guilt and shame and that my relationship with God would never be as close as I truly desired.  That is until I found complete freedom through a post abortion recovery class.  As I walked through each step, a little piece of the shame began to fall off and the weight became lighter.  Once I accepted God's forgiveness and realized that His grace covered ALL sins including my abortion, I was truly set free. 

After almost three years of being a single mom, God placed my best friend and soul mate in my life and I remarried in January 2009.  I met my husband at the beginning of my healing journey and I told him of my past right away.  Never had I felt such an incredible urging to tell someone my secret, but God was telling me it was time to break the silence. My fear of judgment was very real, but my desperate need to move forward was stronger and God had it all in control.  My husband was completely accepting and loved me every step of the way.  He continues to be my greatest support and he prays for God’s movement in our local area for post abortion awareness and recovery.

I now have such a deep burden to share my testimony, not that of shame, but complete victory over the enemy and his lies that kept me in bondage for so long - It is my prayer for you to have freedom too!