I'll never forget it as long as I live
My story is a little different than some of these and in some ways I feel more shameful. You see, I was married for two years and I desperately wanted a baby after suffering a miscarriage. I was thrilled to be pregnant again. Then I got my AFP test results indicating that there was too much AFP in my bloodstream indicating a birth defect. I went for an ultrasound which was nerve wracking because the technician was so intent on finding the problem, she had no time for reassuring me. When she left the room without talking to me, I knew it was serious. My doctor explained that my baby probably had Spina Bifida and that I needed to go to a neonatal specialist to confirm the diagnosis. SB was confirmed a week or so later and the doctors explained the defect and its implications.
They didn’t know the severity of the defect, but since it involved the spinal cord there was a possibility of brain damage. There would most likely be water on the brain, paralysis, possible foot deformities. In addition to all this, it appeared that my baby’s head was possibly misshapen.
I am ultimately the person who made the decision to terminate. There was not one single person who supported me when I tried to explain why I did not want to abort. My husband has a sister with epilepsy and he said that he couldn’t voluntarily go through what he watched his parents live through. My parents didn’t want to see me suffer taking care of the child. My sister, my grandmothers, and my friends, were all in agreement. I wish I had been strong enough in character to do the right thing, but...
I went to the hospital’s labor and delivery floor totally unprepared. After filling out the paperwork, a nurse asked me what I wanted done with the body. This was a complete shock. She said some people have funerals. Some people just discard them. Some people dedicate them to science. Since I was too ashamed for a funeral, I asked that the body go to a facility studying the specific birth defect.
The labor was hell and I suspect they give you a drug along with the inducer that makes you too ill to really be aware of what is going on. I had extreme vomiting and diarrhea which my husband had to clean up as if I were an infant. But I remember my little baby. He was long and skinny. His head looked fine. They showed me the hole in his back and the spinal cord hanging out as if to say, see you did the right thing. I wish I had held and prayed over him, but I was so, so sick and my wimp of a husband left before he emerged.
I only got a glimpse of him, but I’ll never forget it as long as I live. I think of him as Adam and I will never stop regretting that I robbed him of a chance to live, a chance to prove he was worth something.
I went to church and cried the entire service. I have since come to terms with my guilt and I know that this experience has made me a better and more spiritual person. While I regret that I did what I did and I would change it if I could, I must admit that I am still afraid of the challenges of raising the child might have posed. That is the only guilt I still struggle with. I am lucky enough to have two healthy children 13 years later and life is good. But there is someone missing.
Dr. C. Everett Koop, the former surgeon general pointed out that if you believe a person has a soul, how do you reconcile depriving that soul of life? I think of that often, of those 40+ million souls up there in heaven. They have it better there, but it’s not our choice to decide.
Thanks for listening-it helps.
