I had an abortion because I was not married, I was in college, and was petrified as to what my parents, family and peers would think of me if I was pregnant.

During the abortion procedure, I was alone, afraid, ashamed and numb and had a deep sense that the procedure was inhumane and unnatural. Since abortions were common, I kept convincing myself that it would be ok and that was the only option that would be acceptable and would hurt the least amount of people.

Immediately after the abortion, I felt a huge piece of myself gone. I was in the recovery room all alone with no one consoling me. I couldn’t find any peace and felt a huge sense of loss and despair. There are no words to truly describe how a person feels after an abortion. There is a huge puncture in your soul- your entire being. I was sad when I saw a baby. I was mad at myself for carrying out the abortion and had regret that I took something like becoming pregnant not as seriously as I should have.

As time went on after the abortion, I immediately felt disconnected to everyone around me. I finally confided in my parents when they picked me up at college for spring break. They immediately took me to discuss the crisis with a priest who then educated me immensely and referred me to an author and therapist who wrote “Will I cry tomorrow” and helped me process my abortion. I will forever remember every  moment of my parent’s regret of not being able to see their first grandchild and their knowledge of how destructive abortion is and their deep concern over this enormous decision that was made without their knowledge or input. I had barely seen my mother cry in my entire lifetime and the night I told them about my abortion, I heard her sobbing the entire night. I didn’t realize my parents would be so accommodating to help me raise my child and get me through an unplanned pregnancy. Of course, this just made the loss and regret even more deeply.

I felt love and forgiveness through the priest I was able to communicate with days after undergoing the abortion. I was also blessed to be in weekly therapy as I worked through all of the emotions and I was able to get care very early on to process the enormous loss that otherwise would have been unaddressed. I am forever grateful that my parents were so in tune with how abortion would cause a serious aftermath of problems if not addressed and they were able to get me help only days after the abortion procedure and for that, I feel very fortunate and I am so sad that there are so many women who did not have this opportunity early on, as I know this is not the typical norm.

Years later, after I gave birth to my son, I still never forgot about my first pregnancy that I ended. I attended a Project Rachel weekend retreat when my first born was only months old; where I was able to further my emotional healing of aborting my pregnancy. The sad feelings of my abortion were definitely heightened with the birth of my son years later. It was very sad.

At 39 years old, and having had three children, three miscarriages, and one abortion- I realize how precious life is. From the moment you realize you are pregnant, that child is part of who you are, your dreams, hopes, life plan, and is a gift from God. That is why I am silent no more.