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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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God Can Bring Good Out of Bad
Georgia, United States

I Had Four Abortions Over 30 Years Ago . . . The "Secret" I Kept Locked Away And Hidden Is Finally Out And I Am Silent No More.  

Over 30 years ago, I had my first abortion.  I was 16 years old at the time and still in high school.  I was seeing a guy and we were having sex outside of marriage and I ended up pregnant.  When I told my parents about my pregnancy, they were furious.  My parents didn't like the guy I was seeing and they didn't want me to marry him.  My mom told me I needed to get an abortion and soon.  She said it was just a mass of tissue at that point.  She proceeded to make the arrangements and a few weeks later she drove me to the "big city" to have the abortion. 

The counselor at the abortion clinic told me and about 15 to 20 other women there that morning not to worry - it was no big deal - it was just a mass of tissue and it would be over and done with in no time . . . I was so scared . . . and I had no idea just how much that abortion would affect me in the days and years that followed.  

Following my abortion, I felt numb.  It was like a part of me had died.  No one in my family spoke of my abortion and I just buried it somewhere deep down within me. 

In the weeks that followed I started feeling really lonely - I hadn't been allowed to see or talk to the guy I'd been involved with; but on my 17th birthday that all changed.  That day he called and asked if he could stop by to see me and that he had a present for me.  To my surprise, my parents said yes.  He came over and we spent the better part of the afternoon together.  We were allowed to have some time alone . . . And we ended up having sex . . . And I got pregnant yet again.  When I told my mom I thought I was pregnant, she exploded.  I was taken once again to the same abortion clinic - to this day I don't remember much else about that day - I do remember that in the weeks following my second abortion I sank into a depression and my weight began to drop.  This continued for about four or five months. 

I did come out of the depression and slowly my appetite returned, but I still felt that numbness - something had changed deep within me.  

The following year I went off to college.  While I was in college I got pregnant two more times - one by the same guy that I'd been seeing in high school and the other by a guy I had been seeing in college.  By this time I had started drinking.  I know now that my drinking was an escape from my troubles and in a large part it had to do with my abortions and the spiritual and emotional pain and misery that resulted from them.  I ended up marrying a guy I met in college - that marriage lasted 10 years. 

A short time later I married again.  All through these years I kept my secret locked away deep down within me.  I just couldn't go there and so it remained there locked away.  

In recent years I started reading the Bible and I entered into a relationship with Jesus Christ.  As a result of this relationship and His presence in my life, I was finally able to confide my secret to Jesus - I was able to open the "sealed box" and confess to Him what I had done and also to express true sorrow over it.  I honestly believe I have been forgiven . . . The healing process had begun, but out of fear and shame I still continued to keep my secret from others.  And then a few months ago, this guy began attending the drug and alcohol program at the church I had been going to.  He told some of the people in the program about my "secret" and pretty soon the rumors had spread throughout the church and into the community.  I experienced a lot of ridicule and it was really a very difficult time for me. 

But through it all, Jesus, Mary, some of the Saints in heaven and a few family and friends were there for me.  And I tell you that God can bring good out of bad experiences - I am now opening up and beginning to talk about my four abortions and it has been so freeing.  The 40 Days for Life Campaign is going on now and I have been praying with Shawn Carney and others and I have even participated in a sidewalk vigil.  I have to tell you it felt so good to stand in front of that abortion mill and ask all of heaven to join me in prayer to close it down and bring an end to abortion. 

And just last week I requested a memorial tile in honor of my four boys at the Holy Innocents Shrine at the Divine Mercy Chapel in Stockbridge, Massachusetts (In a vision I had several years ago Jesus allowed me to see my four boys - they are alive and well with Jesus in heaven even now.  I've given each child a name.  Their names are David, Daniel, Paul and John, after four of the great men of the Bible.)  And that's not all . . . I believe the Holy Spirit is leading me to the Catholic Church.  I have met and talked with a priest and I have started attending the local Catholic Church.  I honestly feel like I've been set free and am finally living again.  And one more thing . . . I want to tell the whole world Human Life Begins At Conception and Babies Are A Blessing . . . Choose Life!


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