My name is Nicki.  I’m from Angels Camp, California.  I chose to have an abortion because I was with a man whom I loved very dearly and we weren’t married and I got pregnant; and he said, “I already have two kids I’m paying support, I can’t afford any more, so I really don’t want to have any more kids.”   And I really wanted to stay with him.  So, I let him convince me that abortion was a viable option. When it was time to go, he drove me to the clinic, paid the fee, waited for me; and then drove me home.  We never spoke on the entire trip home.

When I got to the clinic, I was really, really anxious.  And I knew they’d give me a valium if I asked them for it, so I did.  I took the valium, but it really didn’t help me with my anxiety, it just made me feel kinda floaty.

I still felt really bad.  There was just a real awful weight in the pit of my stomach.  Even though the waiting area was “comfortable,” it was not too hot, not too cold.  It was all very “pleasant” to look at; and the people were as kind as they knew how to be.  But the entire thing was a lie!

They took me into a little room where they called it “counseling.”  So, they said I had to talk to a counselor before we do the procedure for you.  They took me into a small little room where there was a lady sitting behind a desk.  She asked me how far along I was and I told her.  She asked me why I wanted to have the abortion; and I explained it to her.  Then she asked if I had my receipt.  I showed it to her.  And she said, “Okay, come with me.”  She took me into a little room.  I took my clothes off and put them in a locker.  She put the locker key on a little stretchy thing on my wrist.  She took me into the procedure room, and she had me lie down on the table and put my feet into the stir-ups.  And she said she would be right there and hold my hand if I wanted her to; and that I could squeeze her hand as hard as I needed to; and that I would be okay.

After the procedure, I was sad and I didn’t feel a sense of relief after that abortion.  The procedure itself was actually physically, quite painful.  I want anybody to know that who’s never ever had an abortion; and who’s heard all the propaganda, that if they tell you it’s a painless procedure, that’s a lie!  The only way it’s painless, is if they knock you out entirely.  If you are conscious at all during the procedure, it will hurt!  Afterwards, I did feel depressed and anxious and umm. . . I did feel this . . big . . . empty void inside me.

The long term consequences from my decision to abort my child were drug and alcohol abuse, mostly denial.  More risky behavior.  It didn’t take long after my abortion that I broke up with that gentleman.  I decided that I couldn’t stay with him anymore; and then I just kinda went nuts a little bit . . I dated a lot of guys . . . I tried not to think about what I was doing.  Deep down I knew everything I did was wrong.  Everything that I had done from that moment forward was wrong, and I KNEW IT!  I knew it was wrong and I was compelled and couldn’t seem to help myself. It seemed the more self destructive way I behaved . . . I had a death wish I guess; but I was too chicken to try to do it myself.

I was on my way to work one day; and I listen to a local radio station out of Madesto, called KAMB, and I heard on it their service announcement that there was going to be a Bible study given, called “Forgiven and Set Free.”  As soon as I heard about that and what it was about, I started praying that someone in my area would facilitate one of those Bible studies; and do it soon, because I knew I needed that.  And so I prayed a little more than a year, I prayed every day, as well as when I would hear it announced on the radio station, . . . that someone in my area would do that.  And one day at the National Day of Prayer, a lady at the crisis pregnancy center in my county mentioned to me that she wanted to start one of those Bible studies and was I interested in coming.  And I said, “Absolutely.”  Even though she wanted at least five people to do this Bible study, and everyone else who said they wanted to do it ended up not coming, she did it with me, just me.  She did it just for me!  And my pastor told me, too, that Jesus would’ve died just for me!  If I had been the only one and you all weren’t there, He still would’ve died just for me.  And this lady wanted to do this just for me.  I praise God for her!