My husband and I were going through a lot of marital problems at the time, and we had purposely chosen to get pregnant.  About a month after, I had chosen to leave him and had started the divorce process.

I was very scared that he would find a way in court to take the baby from me, I was worried at the time that he should not be around a baby, and I selfishly was worried that I would not be able to finish my BA degree and it would "ruin my life."  It was all selfish; I just did not want to have a baby by the man I wanted to hate so much.

During the abortion procedure, I experienced...separation from myself I suppose.  It was like a dream, a bad dream.  The nurse held my hand, the doctor was so indifferent.  It did hurt, but from my visual point of view, it seemed no different than a pap smear.  I will never forget, he was using a type of vacuum, was moving it around, and then when he was in a certain area he said to the nurse, "Ok," and then shut the machine off. 

Up until that point, I was just going through motions.  The doctor saying,"Ok," immediately destroyed my heart and soul and I literally felt that I went from something inside me to empty. 

I did not cry until I was back home. 

As time has gone by, my husband and I have worked on our marriage and now have the best relationship, and he has forgiven me.  He and I have a son, who is now two years old.  I have always regretted getting an abortion, but it has not bothered me like it does now until I had my son.  And it seems the older he gets, the more it truly HAUNTS me.  I think about it every day, I can't talk (or type) about it without crying. 

All I know is out of all my mistakes, regrets, everything, I wish I could change that.  I wish I could go back in time and change my mind.  I wish I had that baby more than anything.  I've been told that if I had, I would not have the life I have now and I would not have my son.  I suppose that is true.  I cannot imagine life without my son now, but I still have the wish. 

I have yet to find help and will never forgive myself.  Everyone else has forgiven me, but I can't and won't.  I torture myself almost daily.  My views on abortion have changed dramatically since.  I want to do whatever I can to keep, most importantly, innocent babies alive and to keep other women/parents from feeling what I feel.