I was pregnant at fifteen, my boyfriend was eighteen. My family was feuding with his family over an accident that had caused a death. I was told if I did not have an abortion they would prosecute him for being eighteen and with a minor. There were also other threats. I was forbidden to see my boyfriend.
I went to the clinic, taken by a family member. I was not informed of anything. I was given a pill and then eventually taken back for the procedure. I remember praying even as the procedure was taking place for God to forgive me. I knew in my heart abortion was wrong. I just felt like I wanted to run, but no place to go.
After I left the clinic, I was sick and throwing up. There was so much guilt and shame, but there was also a sense of relief that I was no longer pregnant. The thought that tortured me most was- you just killed your own child.
I turned sixteen shortly after the procedure. I would pray and ask God to tell my baby how sorry I was. I decided to get back with my boyfriend knowing at sixteen they would not be able to prosecute as easily. We would sneak so no one would know. I decided that maybe if I got pregnant again it would take away that shame. I knew it would not be the same baby, but somehow I thought that would make things better. So my boyfriend and I decided to purposely get me pregnant again.
This time I did not back down from the threats, but was sent to another state to live with my other parent. Here I was pregnant, in a strange state, strange school, not able to see my boyfriend (still forced apart). I wanted to die. I was at an all time low. This is when I received Jesus as my savior and turned my life over to him. God helped me through the pregnancy; I had my son Caleb and finished high school. My son ended up being disabled. His dad and I had the same gene for a disease called neonatal adrenoleukodystrophy; a progressive disease that liquefies the white matter in the brain, eventually causing neurological problems and death. His dad only kept in touch for a couple of years and then nothing for sixteen years. I thought God must be punishing me for the abortion.
I knew God forgave me, but there was so much shame and guilt- I still thought perhaps I deserved to be punished. I became very angry at God for about six years. In that time, I met and married my husband who went to church. So I started going to church and understanding more about God.
One day my son had a grandmal seizure, stopped breathing, and went to the ER. I realized at that time that things could be worse- I would forgive God (let go of the anger) and thank him for each and every day I had with my son. My husband and I now have two other children, and I have a step daughter that he had before we were married. We have been married sixteen years. My son is now nineteen- mentally about two. We have almost lost him twice in the last year- so every day we deal with the fear of death. We are grateful for each day. Through him our family has been so blessed. I am a RN now because of him.
I have learned that in spite of your sins, God can make you an over comer of any situations. Of course he does not always make things easy, or take away all our pain but he is there through it all- if we lean on him. I did not even begin to deal with the guilt and shame of the abortion until nineteen to twenty years later. Only at that time was I able to forgive myself and begin talking about it. There is still such regret for taking the life of my own child, regardless of outside influences- I made that decision, I let it happen. One bad decision can affect the rest of your life.