I found out I was pregnant back in May, 2011, with a guy named Grant. We dated for almost three years but we were never really that exclusive. I was in love with him but clearly he wasn't in love with me. He had a girlfriend and I cheated on several of my boyfriends with him.
So when I found out I was pregnant, I immediately started freaking out, calling people for help. I didn't know what to do. My initial thought was, there was no way I was having a child with this guy. He stated several times he didn't want children until much later in his 40s. I was 30 and he was 27 at the time.
So the day came when I told him. He stared at me in complete shock and said he was not ready to be a father, that he was not financially stable. He asked me if I really wanted to be a single mom. He actually said, “Can you stop drinking for 9 months?” I asked him what he thought about abortion. He said he didn't know, but he is very Catholic so clearly he isn't for it.
I talked with my friends and even included my brother and his wife, which was a big mistake. Days went by and I hadn't heard from Grant. I sent him a text stating I didn't know what to do, that I was freaking out! His reply was, “Let’s talk about it next week.” So he contacted me late one night saying, “Let’s go for a walk and we can talk.” I said I couldn't meet up that night because it was too late. I had already booked an appointment for an abortion the next day. But I really wanted to talk to him about it. The last text I had sent him was, “Let me know if you are free tomorrow.” He never responded, and I never heard from him again.
I would be 8 months pregnant now. I’m living with extreme guilt, regret, and fear of not being able to get pregnant in the future---all the “what ifs.” I can't even look at children. My brother just had another baby, for whom I was supposed to me the godmother. They decided not to have me be the godmother because of the abortion.
I've always been pro-life. This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It's on my mind every day. I feel like a murderer of my own unborn child. I just want peace and not have to live with this extreme guilt and regret that I live with every day.
I feel that if I had been more proactive with Grant maybe things could have worked out. I just took the easy way out. Any help would be great!
I just want to say something to the little seeds inside of me in heaven:
“I'm sorry I ended your life before you even had a say. I know you would have been something great some day. I don't feel that I could have provided you with everything you need, by myself. It breaks my heart that I did this and I live with regret every day. If I could turn back time, I would do so in a heartbeat and I wouldn't think twice about having you. I know God’s taking good care of you and I'll be with you someday.”