I found out I was pregnant back in May, 2011, with a guy named Grant.  We dated for almost three years but we were never really that exclusive.  I was in love with him but clearly he wasn't in love with me.  He had a girlfriend and I cheated on several of my boyfriends with him. 

So when I found out I was pregnant, I immediately started freaking out, calling people for help.  I didn't know what to do.  My initial thought was, there was no way I was having a child with this guy.  He stated several times he didn't want children until much later in his 40s.  I was 30 and he was 27 at the time. 

So the day came when I told him.  He stared at me in complete shock and said he was not ready to be a father, that he was not financially stable.  He asked me if I really wanted to be a single mom.  He actually said, “Can you stop drinking for 9 months?”  I asked him what he thought about abortion.  He said he didn't know, but he is very Catholic so clearly he isn't for it. 

I talked with my friends and even included my brother and his wife, which was a big mistake.  Days went by and I hadn't heard from Grant.  I sent him a text stating I didn't know what to do, that I was freaking out!  His reply was, “Let’s talk about it next week.”  So he contacted me late one night saying, “Let’s go for a walk and we can talk.”  I said I couldn't meet up that night because it was too late.  I had already booked an appointment for an abortion the next day.  But I really wanted to talk to him about it.  The last text I had sent him was, “Let me know if you are free tomorrow.”  He never responded, and I never heard from him again. 

I would be 8 months pregnant now.  I’m living with extreme guilt, regret, and fear of not being able to get pregnant in the future---all the “what ifs.”  I can't even look at children. My brother just had another baby, for whom I was supposed to me the godmother.  They decided not to have me be the godmother because of the abortion. 

I've always been pro-life.   This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make.  It's on my mind every day.  I feel like a murderer of my own unborn child.  I just want peace and not have to live with this extreme guilt and regret that I live with every day. 

I feel that if I had been more proactive with Grant maybe things could have worked out.  I just took the easy way out.  Any help would be great!

I just want to say something to the little seeds inside of me in heaven: 

“I'm sorry I ended your life before you even had a say.  I know you would have been something great some day.  I don't feel that I could have provided you with everything you need, by myself.  It breaks my heart that I did this and I live with regret every day.  If I could turn back time, I would do so in a heartbeat and I wouldn't think twice about having you.  I know God’s taking good care of you and I'll be with you someday.”
Mom