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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Maggie
Marianne
Illinois, United States

1. I had an abortion because when I told the father of the child I was pregnant, he said he didn't want to have any more children.  He was very adamant about it.  I can't remember if he actually said to "get rid of it" but I knew he didn't want "it" and I was a much weaker person at that time and I just "had to make him happy" even at the expense of my own son and the new life I had within me.  [Pretty sick state I was in, wasn't it?]

2.  During the procedure I felt like this was the right thing to do because it would make the father happy.  I felt like I should have said STOP!  I felt unimportant.  As I watched the tubes next to me I felt sad...I remember saying goodbye to my baby...Maggie.

3.  After the abortion, I felt like it was done and over...go on... the baby's father was happy.  Life would be perfect. 

4.  As time went on after the abortion I started having a nagging feeling.  The father of the baby and I ended up getting married. Once we had a conversation about a niece of his that had just delivered her baby.  I compared it to my abortion.  I said something to the effect of, "Even though I didn't actually have the baby, the abortion was painful but in a different way."  He read the riot act to me telling me that I had no right to compare the birth of a baby to the abortion.  His reaction brought back the memory of the actual procedure.  I internalized it and went on. 

Through the years I thought about my second child, a lot.  I rarely discussed it with my husband because his belief is that soul doesn't enter the body until 3 days after birth.  I felt to him it was no great loss.  I would tell myself that the baby wasn't real because I had the abortion.  However, I felt as if something was gnawing at me which usually led to thoughts about the baby.  For some reason I knew from the day I had let "it" go, I just know my baby would have been a girl.  Mentally I had a name for her: Margaret Elizabeth -- Maggie for short.  Then I would tell myself, "No it's just my imagination. She's not real."  Still the feelings and thought would come through.  I already felt like an un-worthy human.

I started wondering if there were other women who had regretted an abortion.  I'm not sure when, but about 10-15 years ago, I started searching the internet for abortion regret.  That's when I found Rachel's Vineyard. When I found RV, I felt that I'd have to do it in secret and save the money to pay for it myself.  I could never tell my husband what I needed to do.  Rachael's vineyard was always in the back of my mind. 

5. I found help and forgiveness through Rachael's Vineyard.  In about 2009, I started making many changes in my life.  First of all I was going just write a check out of my own money and go to Rachael's Vineyard.  It was in February of 2010 that I went.  It was the best thing I ever did!  It was there that I felt the forgiveness of our Holy Father.  I learned that Maggie was real and she is in heaven with Jesus.  Maggie is like a little angel on my shoulder. 

I know that God has forgiven me but I still am unable to completely forgive myself. 


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