I had three abortions.  As if having one was not enough.  The first time my boyfriend pressured me into the abortion.  During the procedure I heard the roar of that vacuum I can still hear it in my head to this day.  After I had it done I immediately got pregnant again, scared and alone I contacted Planned Parenthood and they told me "lucky for me" they were doing trials on a new abortion drug and if I could get to the clinic I could be part of the study.  I thought I had found a solution to my problem.  I went in and took the first pill and came back one or two days later for the second one.  The whole process was awful - knowing my child was dying inside me.  I was in terrible pain; the baby would not come out.  Finally the Dr. took some sort of instrument and pulled the baby out.  He shouted "Another success.”  I saw him take the remains of my baby to a bucket to check for all the pieces.   I lost my mind right then and there and asked "if" I could take it home with me.  He said no and put the remains in the trash.

Right after the abortion we moved to another state the boyfriend and I whom I loved.  We broke up for a short time and I found a new boyfriend, I got pregnant and was going to keep this baby, the father wanted it and I did too.  She was to be named Miranda.  The old boyfriend came back and said he wanted no part of this pregnancy, so AGAIN I aborted my child. I have zero memory of this procedure; I believe I blocked it out.  The boyfriend that I had aborted all my children over left me alone and moved across country.

 I later met a wonderful man and in 1999 became pregnant, he was so excited.   I briefly considered aborting this child, I felt like I has no right to be a mother after killing my three previous kids.  I know that sounds crazy but that is the thoughts I had.  I remember I chose to continue the pregnancy and the clinic called to remind me of my "missed' appt.  Now when I look at my kids I think to myself "I killed your brothers and sisters.” 

My husband and I  have five children now and I think in a way I am trying to make up for my lost children, a day does not pass that the guilt of my lost children does not haunt me.  I see kids on the street or in the store that would have been my children’s age and I think to myself how could I have been so selfish.  I am prolife I am sorry for killing my own children may God forgive me.