I had the first abortion because I was coerced into it by my husband. My son wasn't a year old yet and I was pregnant. He didn't want anymore children. I was 19 years old at the time of the pregnancy. The second time I was pregnant by my deceased husbands brother with whom I was having an affair. I was saving face by having the abortion so no one would talk about what I had done.

During the first abortion (which I called just a “procedure”, there was discomfort but I was quite numb to the whole experience. The second time I didn't want to do it.  I think I would have caved if someone had counseled me about abortion.  If only someone would have talked to me about alternatives.
Immediately after the first abortion, I felt nothing. As time went on, I felt ashamed that I allowed my husband to talk me into an abortion.  I had felt so callous about it.

 I took the life of another one of my children to keep people from talking about the fact that I slept with my deceased husband’s brother. For this, I have experienced deep shame and guilt. I think about what it would have been like to have all of my babies.

I am still seeking forgiveness. I have asked God for forgiveness many times.  I know he forgives.  I can't seem to let go of the guilt that is deep inside me and forgive myself.