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Pure Regret
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Steven
Outside US,
United States
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This is my story. It isn't all about God or trying to impose moral values on people. It’s about pure regret.
I am now 30 years old, and it was many years ago that my girlfriend and I decided to have an abortion. The funny thing is that I was always a pro-choice advocate. Even though having an abortion was hands down the worst decision I have personally ever made, I still believe in that choice. I write that because I don't want my story to be used to attempt to legislate morality. But I want to share my story in hopes of allowing people to make a better decision. As I sit here writing this I have tears in my eyes, thinking about the loss of a child that should have been, a life that never had a chance, extinguished mostly by our own fear.
We had been together for years, and we were and still are in love. When I found out that she was pregnant, I was so scared. My life at the time was not how I imagined it. I felt that maybe it would be better to have a child later. I didn't feel ready. But what I failed to understand was that this decision had already been made for me. Even thinking there was an option was a mistake for me. It was mistake that can never be taken back.
We initially were weighing our options. We did the whole pros and cons list. Looking back, what a terrible thing that was to do with a life or what would have grown to be a life! Sometimes you just have to accept things that are already there. I was unwilling to do that.
We took the class required by our states law on abortion. It felt so uneasy in the room, with a bunch of other people that are doing the same thing. It felt like death, and it was.
I remember the morning of the abortion. We ate at McDonald’s and sat in the car. Our hearts were heavy, but she had made up her mind. I had really changed mine, but she was so confident and I wasn't either way. I wanted to support her, so we continued. We sat in the car again at the Planned Parenthood. Talking, I said, “We can leave now or we can go in.” I said I would support her either way. She said she wanted to go in.
I will tell you that 100% if I had given her the confidence I lacked, told her that we were going to have the child, that she would have done it. I lacked that because of fear. It was almost as if her confidence was giving me an opportunity to be a coward and get away with it.
I often times wonder what she/he would have looked like. How old would he have been? What about a name? I wonder many things.
All these years later, I have found myself terrified to have children. I feel almost as if I have one it will just remind me of the one lost. I hold some resentment towards her, although I know it’s not fair.
I also sometimes think that it might be better to move on to another relationship so I can leave this pain in the past. It haunts me.
I suffer from depression from this, no doubt. I suffer from remorse. I suffer from my own actions.
I know I will never fully heal from this. I realized that 1 year from the abortion that my life would never be the same. That I had done something that can never be undone. It was really the worst decision I ever made.
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