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Removed From Myself
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Donna
Connecticut,
United States
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I had an abortion because I had recently changed careers and was attending college in the evening. The pregnancy was the result of a long term affair. I was in a women's clinic affiliated with a hospital. My OB-GYN performed the procedure and I remember that the father of the child as well as my father went with me. The father of the child was aware of what procedure I was having however my father, to my knowledge, was unaware that the procedure I was having was actually an abortion. During the abortion procedure I experienced being scared and sad. I felt ashamed and as if I was removed from myself.
Immediately after the abortion I felt both regret and relief. I continued to abuse food and alcohol. I still suffer from an eating disorder. For many months afterwards I was depressed, had headaches, sore throats, and other physical ailments that I learned were part of the post abortion syndrome that many women go through after having an abortion. I remember telling the father of my child before having the abortion that I would have kept the baby if my father was not alive. We stayed together for eight more years, though I am not sure why. It took me the last three of those eight years to end the relationship.
I returned to church and eventually went to confession and then I confessed again to another priest. I finally confessed a third time which landed me the opportunity to attend a Rachel's Vineyard retreat almost a year ago, thanks to my priest. I found myself with a group of courageous women and a very compassionate support team. I have not been the same since that weekend. I was hurting for years and after the retreat I felt forgiven, loved, and alive. I received God's forgiveness and have developed a deeper relationship with Him.
I still have pangs of regret knowing that I killed my baby. The support group at Rachel's Vineyard has been helpful in dealing with the grief, as has my priest. The 2014 March for Life had a profound effect on me as I watched it on television. That's where I first saw the women holding the "I regret my abortion" signs. It was while watching this that I realized I kept my baby from reaching his (I believe the baby was a boy) potential in life. I was particularly moved by the number of younger people there and how they spoke of losing a sibling, a cousin, someone who may have made a difference in the world. I robbed my family of this baby and the baby of my family.
I have forgiven myself and the feelings of shame have certainly decreased. I still grapple with the decision I made daily and believe the choice was basically selfishness on my part. I want to help prevent women from making the same mistake I made and that is why I am silent no more!
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