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Suffering Like Me
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Amy
Ohio,
United States
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I had an abortion 23 years ago at the age of 17. I was pregnant by my black boyfriend, and my mother and grandparents were not going to help me. They told me I would ruin my life by having this child. My mother said she would kick me out. She said the family would disown me. His mother said that the father needed to go to college and that he would lose out on football scholarships, etc. We both came from poor families and did not have our fathers in our lives. I told them I wanted to keep the baby, but they kept after me. They convinced me that there was no help for me, and I would be living on the streets.
I had the abortion within a week of telling them. It all happened so quickly. I remember crying a lot. I don't recall how the staff was except that I felt like a number. As I was crying on the table the doctor was the only one to ask if I was sure. I wanted to yell “No!” I quickly ran through how I could pretend I had the abortion and hide the pregnancy until it was too late, but I just continued to cry and shook my head yes. I couldn't see any way to pull it off.
After the abortion, I cried for months, especially at diaper and baby product commercials. I saw a baby and wondered what mine would look like and be doing at that time. I hated myself for what I had done.
Not long after the abortion, my boyfriend changed. He became mean. I think he hated me for what I did, although I don't remember him ever telling me not to have an abortion. It was our mothers' decision. Since then, I have struggled with severe guilt and depression.
I often think about my child, especially in October and May. What would she be like? Would my boyfriend and I have stayed together longer? How would our lives be different? I am angry no one told me that there were places that could help me keep my baby. When I think of my children, the three here with me and the one I killed who is waiting for me in heaven, I wonder who has forgiven me. God has.
I will be attending a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat in October. I am anxious but looking forward to the weekend. I have been working with a Pro Life group and openly sharing my story, which I feel has greatly helped with my healing process. I go to the abortion mill and share my story. I have been through 23 years of pain, guilt, shame and beating myself up emotionally. God forgave me years ago but it has taken me a long time to forgive myself. I don't want other women suffering like me, that's why I have chosen to be Silent No More.
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