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Testimonies
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My Heart is Broken
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Virginia
Texas,
United States
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I was in another relationship that wasn't going anywhere. I thought he would love me if we had sex. I was only 17, but he was 20 and attending college out of state. He was home for the Thanksgiving holiday and wanted to see me. We only had sex a couple of times before he left for school that fall. We had talked on the phone a lot. I am not sure what I was thinking. He had never professed to love me. He just knew I was "easy."
Well, that holiday fling led to an unplanned pregnancy about the time of my 17th birthday. I was a senior in high school and was completely shattered when I discovered I was pregnant. I alluded to the possibility that I might be pregnant when he returned for the Christmas break. He made it clear that he absolutely would not marry me if I had become pregnant. I sank into a depression. I finally told my mother, and then I told her I could not go on if I had to have this baby. I was ready to end my life. I could not face my peers nor would I be able to graduate with my class, or so I thought. After seeing my despair, my mom agreed to take me to have an abortion. She didn't want to, but she feared I would hurt myself. My dad was working overseas. He never knew about the abortion, and my mom made me promise never to tell him. It would have hurt him deeply.
The procedure itself was the most horrible experience. I don't recall making eye contact with any of the staff. The abortion doctor merely came into the room to accomplish his task; he never really addressed me. If he did, my emotions were too flat. Bob Seger music was being piped in the room, and the nurse chatted with the doctor about going to an upcoming concert. To this day, I cannot listen to Bob Seger without remembering this awful day. When he started the procedure, I thought my heart would burst. I screamed in agony as though my very own heart was ripped from my body. I now know that was the moment my little one was ripped from my womb and passed from this life. After the procedure, my breasts began to leak. It was dreadful.
By the time I had this abortion, I was already in another relationship which lasted a little over a year. Not realizing that I was running from my pain, I would look for love through poor choices in relationships. I ended up getting married at the age of 20, but that ended badly after three years.
That was when I learned about post-abortion syndrome. I read a story called "Tilly", or maybe I heard it on Christian radio. It brought me to my knees, and I began to grieve for the child that I had aborted. God has graciously extended His loving arms of forgiveness, but my heart is still broken for what I did. It also is broken for the little life that I will never know this side of heaven. While going through a post-abortive Bible study, God revealed to me through the Holy Spirit that this child was a girl. So I gave her the name Grace.
I was married a second time and had three children, one of whom went home in infancy to be with the Lord. My second husband passed away from cancer after 12 years. I am married again now for over ten years, and I have a huge family, three stepchildren, my own two, and now four grandchildren. I still miss my little Grace, but at least I know she is with the Lord and I will see her one day.
I feel that more needs to be done to reach out to post-abortive women. We have been cloaked with shame for too long. It's time to be "silent no more."
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