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Trying to Forgive Myself
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Stephanie
Texas,
United States
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I currently am a 31 year old mother of two children, a six year old little boy and a one year old baby girl. I have had one abortion that happened in 2006.
I was about to graduate from college. I walked across the stage to get my diploma pregnant, and only I knew. To this day, I can't look at my graduation photos because it is too painful.
I was in a psychologically, emotionally abusive relationship with a man ten years my senior. I had a non-existent self-esteem when I met him. He consumed my entire world at that time in my life. I did everything I could do to feel loved by him. He never fully committed to me, and I suspected him of cheating on me multiple times. Nonetheless, I still did not want him to abandon me. When I found out I was pregnant, he pressured and manipulated how I felt. I have always been pro-life and a Christian. I was so afraid to be alone and not have him to support me. I did what he wanted. He was very wealthy, and he would always tell me it’s just a clump of cells. He already had one girl get an abortion and her parents supported it. This man was also a Christian at one time in his life and had three other children in another state that he never saw nor supported. He made me feel as if I had no other option.
I told my mom that I was pregnant. I wish I had shared with her what this man wanted me to do. I felt so alone. I knew in my heart I wanted my baby.
He scheduled the appointment, and he went with me to make sure I did it. He paid for it also; it was $400. I was in a room with other girls who were farther along than I was. I thought, “How sick are you to kill your baby that you can feel and know is alive.” I completely detached from what I was doing, because I was "only" six weeks. There was a young girl who counseled me about what I was doing; the only thing she didn't ever mention was adoption.
I was led to a room where they did a vaginal ultrasound to confirm how far along I was. I wanted to see it, and they did not want to show me. I insisted. There were several older women who were assisting in the room, and I was astonished. I had second thoughts as I was laying there. They gave me a pill and made me swallow it there. I had wanted to take it home because I was unsure, but that was not allowed. Again, I felt very alone. Inside I felt so controlled by my boyfriend and everyone in that clinic. After I took the pill, they did blood work and gave me some other pills to take later. I did not know that there was a way to reverse the first pill. If I had known that, then I would have done it. I thought that I already had caused my body to abort my baby. I took the rest of the pills either later the same day or the next day.
I remember everything. It was very physically painful. I remember when the abortion happened, and I felt like a part of me died also. I immediately regretted my decision. During all of this my boyfriend could have cared less about what was happening. He got what he wanted. I hated myself for what I had done.
My boyfriend and I broke up about two months later. It was my choice. I could not be with someone with whom I felt "forced" me to do something I never wanted to do.
Soon after the abortion, I asked God for forgiveness and felt that my baby was a boy. I named him Jeremiah. I still did not forgive myself. I had had suicidal thoughts, and I began drinking/partying heavily. I was sleeping with whomever.
I met my first husband four months after my abortion and married him after only knowing him for six weeks. He was very physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. He also cheated on me numerous times during our relationship. I got pregnant exactly a year after the abortion with my second child. This is when I sought out counseling because of the extreme shame and guilt.
I have since divorced my first husband. I married a wonderful man of God who loves me more than I feel that I deserve most days. We have a little girl together. He knew about the abortion from the first time we talked. We both want to get a memorial plaque for my baby. He wants me to put his last name because this baby would have been his baby. He would have adopted him as he did with my first son.
I know that I am forgiven by God , but I still at times have a difficult time forgiving myself. I still cry every time I talk about it to anyone. I still feel that I need to go through a more thorough time of healing so that I can help other women. It is definitely a journey.
If my story can prevent just one baby from being aborted and one girl from making the most painful mistake of her life, then it was worth telling. Abortion steals so much more than the precious, priceless life of your baby, a unique gift from God. It steals what could have been from them, from you, and your family. That is why I am SILENT no more.
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