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Reconciling
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Kathy
Michigan,
United States
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I will be brief. I had two abortions, the winter or spring of 1995 and summer of 1996. I blocked them out and went for many years completely forgetting both of them. I am just now coming to terms with it and the memories are flooding back.
The first time I think I was the only one who cared. Boyfriend was ambivalent. Even made a "joke" about how we could "take care of this." Figuring he meant some outside circumstances to cause a miscarriage. I got upset, he laughed and said he was joking. My mother was supportive, at first. I was looking in baby name books. Didn't talk to my boyfriend about this. My mother thought the names I liked were dumb. I did not know what the future held. But I do know abortion never crossed my mind.
Then my mother turned and demanded I have an abortion. She was using the tired old pro-choice rhetoric. As if reading from a Planned Parenthood script. I kept mentioning adoption. Her attitude was that if the baby couldn't be in the family then she couldn't be in anyone else's family. After crying and feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin, I relented. I do not recall much about the abortion itself. I do not know if I was drugged before going to the clinic, or I am just repressing things. Yet I could drive right to the spot now, though a Google search shows it is another business. I do not remember anything about the waiting area or filling out forms. I was told lightly about the "facts" of the procedure. "And it wouldn't hurt a bit." Ha-ha! NO! It hurt like hell, despite the local anesthesia. I remember wincing and coming to the conclusion that there is no God. But I am now reconciling to HIM. I was cramping in both my abdomen and bowel area. I made a dumb joke about not knowing if I wanted to throw up or take a dump. Sorry for the language. I remember going to an area with lazy boy chairs. Don't remember anything about what it looked like.
The second abortion was less memorable. My boyfriend saw my belly growing and asked if I was pregnant. I told him no. I was denying it to myself. Then one day I said, "I think I am pregnant” and bought an at home pregnancy test. Yep. I was crying and didn't know what to do, remembering the ordeal from the previous time. I broke up with boyfriend for no reason and told my mom I wanted an abortion. No objections from her. I had a D & D done at a hospital and was under full anesthesia. I do not remember what hospital. I do not recall waking up or leaving the hospital.
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