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Testimonies
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The Aftermath
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Laura
Texas,
United States
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I was 16, and he was my first boyfriend. It was so easy to get caught up in the kissing and the touching and then quickly came the sex. He seemed to be so careful, using a condom every time. But it was New Year's Eve, and we were drinking at a friend’s house. We slipped away to a bedroom, and I noticed he didn't put a condom on. I asked him about it. He ensured me that everything will be okay. But...it wasn't. Later I was pregnant.
We went to different schools. He went to a small town school, and I went to a big powerhouse school. My goals were already set for college out of my hometown. He was planning on going to a community college nearby. I was not letting anything stop me from going to college. I thought I was too smart to be pregnant at 16. It was embarrassing. I had to get rid of the baby. I thought it was my only option.
I told my boyfriend. He was not sure what to do. He was scared. He knew his parents would be so disappointed. Probably make him marry me. I certainly didn't want to get married. No way! I loved him, but I didn't want to end up in small town, USA. I wanted to leave Texas, I wanted to travel. So, I knew that I wanted to get rid of the baby, even if I knew that it was against my religion. I was not letting anybody change my mind.
I did end up telling my oldest sister about my pregnancy. I wanted her to know what I was doing in case something went wrong. And I needed money. She told me she would not give me money and that I should tell my mom. I made her promise not to tell my mom. Well, she broke that promise and told my mom. My mom didn't yell or get mad. She was just very sad. Later, many, many years later I find out she had an abortion, and she also was there for my older sister’s abortion. My mom did try to talk me out of it, but she knew I was not changing my mind. As for the money, we needed $200. My boyfriend and I asked every friend we had for money. We asked for $5 or $10, until we got the money we needed. Little did they know to what they were contributing. Better they didn't know.
The day we went to the clinic is a bit of a blur. I remember bits and pieces of it very clearly and other parts are fuzzy. The first part I remember is the big orange chairs in the waiting room. My boyfriend and I sat next to each other and my mom sat across from me. We sat in silence. Boyfriend was on the verge of tears the whole time. It was early in the morning. We were the only ones in the room it seemed. I'm not really sure if we were. They called my name. I paid the $200 at the window and a nurse took me to another waiting room.
This time it was a small room with chairs all around the walls. Almost every chair was occupied. I found a seat and looked around and everyone seemed to be as sad as me. It seemed like I was waiting for so long. I finally went into the procedure room. I undressed and put on a gown. I sat on the table until a nurse and doctor walked in. The doctor was talking to me, but he sounded like he was babbling. I couldn't understand him. I felt numb. The nurse told me to lie down on the table. She put my legs in the stirrups. The doctor was still talking. He turned on this big machine in the corner. He held up this white tube, and I felt it go inside me. It felt like suction. I turned my head to the right toward the huge machine. I felt like everything has started to move in slow motion. I turned and saw two large glass jars attached to the side of this machine. I saw blood pouring into them. I saw the blood flowing through the clear tubes running from me to the jars. Then...the image I have burned into the deepest part of my soul...I saw white pieces of my baby's body running through the tubes from my body into the jars. I turned my head back toward the ceiling. And that was when I began to have tears rolling out of my eyes. I knew right then and there that God would never forgive me. He would never love me again. I was a murderer. I had just killed my baby. I guess the nurse noticed. She grabbed my hand and said, "Everything will be okay." She was so terribly wrong.
The aftermath of my abortion rocked me to the core. After I left the clinic, I just put the whole experience away and didn't think about it. However, I was hurting inside, and I didn't know why. I did not show anyone that I was hurting inside. FYI... My boyfriend and I stayed together for four more years, got married. We have four kids. I did eventually show my husband the pain I was suffering. But we couldn't figure out why I was so depressed. At the time I was an officer in the Air Force. I had to have a "game face" at work and I would collapse at home.
Then, one week, it been became too much to handle. I was admitted to the mental health floor for a week. That was when I heard of Project Rachel. I went through the program. It was the program that led me to healing and helped me find God again. My husband never speaks of our baby, whose name is Matthew, by the way. My husband and I are scheduled to go to a Rachel's Vinyard Retreat in June. I pray he finds some healing.
I pray I can help someone with my story.
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