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Testimonies
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Hopeless
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Kyle
Nevada,
United States
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In 2007 my ex Elizabeth aborted our child after I begged her not to, and even though my pleas were from the heart, it did not matter. She went through with, it despite my pain and sadness....
In 2008 I met an amazing woman with three kids. We fell in love, and I told her about my ex aborting our child and how deeply it hurt me. She said she could see how devastated and hurt I was from it and promised me she would never do something like that to me and that she would love to have my baby.
In March 2009 Donna was pregnant. We went and got a sonogram on March 12, 2009. She told the doctor of the high blood pressure medication she was on and how it could affect the baby. The doctor told her that there is other medicine she could take where it will be safe for her and the baby. I was very excited that day because I have never gone through something so special with anyone, and I was happy that it was with Donna.
When we got home Donna started saying how she could not have this baby.... I was in disbelief and shocked and confused, I even brought up what the doctor said and her reply was he did not know what he was talking about. We argued. I could not believe I was living this pain again, I started thinking about our child and all the things I wanted to do with him or her. Donna made an appointment at this clinic, I went with her. When I got inside I started to cry and freak out, saying, “I cannot be here, I cannot do this, please let's leave.” Seeing the women that went through with it and how out of it they were affected Donna as well. We did leave, and I felt comfort thinking that, just maybe, our kid will be given a chance to live, like his/her two sisters and brother.
About a few days later Donna decided she was going to have doctor prescribe her a pill that would cause her to miscarry... I begged and pleaded with Donna to please not do this. She said she had no choice because of her high blood pressure medication and the effects it would have on the baby. The day she took the pill, I was at work and came over to her house to see her. She asked why I was there, and I told her to be with her. We laid on the bed and cried. I know I came over there because I needed to feel connected to our child, and she was the only one that could give me that.
Weeks went by and I am not sure of what type of affect this had on Donna. But, for me, I started to think about our child, the life he or she would not have, and all the things I would miss out on. I started to feel a sense of how I failed to protect my child from death. Then I would see Donna be affectionate with the kids and that would start to hurt me and make me jealous and envious. I started to become withdrawn and started to resent Donna for placing this hurt on me again for the 2nd time in my life. This was the 4th child in a row that I have lost. I was more hurt from what Donna did because she promised me she would not ever do this to me or hurt me this way. I loved Donna so much, and I felt so betrayed by a woman I deeply loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
As time went on our arguing became more frequent and eventually becoming physical, with me having this deep hurt and rage towards Donna. I know I loved her with all of my heart, but I was so very angry with her for doing what she did.
In 2010 Donna was pregnant again, this time I was not willing to deal with it. So I told Donna she had better not be pregnant, because I couldn’t go through another abortion again, I just couldn’t. But this was different this time. Donna was not speaking about how her medicine would harm the baby, she was wanting to have this baby. That confused me because what is the difference with this child prior to the 1st baby? I could not figure it out. There was a lot of stress and tension between us at this point, and I had taken on raising the three other kids as their father decided to move out of the state, leaving Donna and myself as their parents. Due to the stress and arguing and fighting within the relationship Donna miscarried.
I remained hurt and traumatized by losing our 1st child to abortion. I did not realize that when Donna was pregnant in 2009 she was legally still married. A lot of me felt this was the reason why our kid was aborted. This made me angry and more hurt that our child was aborted so she could save face, spare her ex's feelings, and not face any ridicule from her family. I know violence is wrong and no reason could or should justify it. I felt angrier with Donna because I felt she lied to me and left me on my own to deal with this pain. Death is irreversible and no one can undo it once it is done.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of the kids I lost, especially the two that their mothers decided for me. I was angrier at Donna because she had three kids already. I feel as if I am cursed—“Why me, why has this happened to me?” When I went through the second abortion with Donna she felt as if though Elizabeth should also shoulder the blame and, in some ways, yes, she is right. But I hold a lot of it on Donna because she promised me she would not do that to me, and that she saw the hurt in my eyes. In my heart I really felt that she understood my pain and did not want to see me hurt that way again.... I was wrong though.
In 2011 Elizabeth contacted me, she wanted my forgiveness. I asked her for what. She said she was pregnant and, even though she did not want to have a child with the man who got her pregnant, she was going to have the baby because she saw what our abortion had did to me. When she asked me I was shocked and hurt because, due to my pain and the loss of my kid, she was going to give another man what I wanted, a child, a life. The kid I did not get. I tried to be friends with her but told her I could not because it would not be fair to her kids. It would hurt me to hear her kids and that I could not do that. So we said goodbye and that was that
Donna really hated Elizabeth and it's because she aborted my kid, but I never quite understood that when she did the same thing. Our relationship had great moments, but it also had terrible ones as well, and I know it mostly stemmed from the effects of the abortion. The abortion made me feel hopeless, hurt, betrayed, confused, unworthy, and unloved. Those are tough things to deal with, and I felt alone. I did not speak to anyone about it because I did not want them to hate or dislike the woman I loved.
I know many people say that abortion destroys relationships. I was trying so hard for that to not be Donna’s and my fate. Despite the abortion and the fights I know I Iove Donna with all my heart. When it comes to Elijah, Sierrah, and Savannah, her three kids, I know at times I may have been angry but it was not their fault. I was so deeply hurt that I could not be a father and have them be connected to me for the rest of their lives.
In mid-2013 our relationship ended. I have no contact with her or the kids even though I treated the kids as my own, and they looked up to me as their dad. That hurts me every day I wake up.
Donna places the blame on me for this relationship not working out. She does not take any responsibility or admit to any actions that she chose that also contributed. I am to blame for the fights we have gone through, and Donna refuses to see any of the factors that contributed. That hurts me that she just blames me, I am more hurt that she took fatherhood from me with our kids but she has also taken Sierrah, Elijah, and Savannah from me. Even though they are not of my flesh and blood, my heart still sees and cares for them as my very own children. I know my anger level changed a lot due to the abortions I suffered. I have been to counseling sessions numerous times, I attend church regularly and meditate. There is not a day that goes by that I do not wish my kids were here. I especially feel more connected to the kids I lost with Donna because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and the kids.
I am writing this today so my story could be heard, and I could be helped in some kind of way. I pray every day to The Lord, that He would forgive both me and Donna for our actions within our relationship. There have been times I have wished to not live this life anymore. Fighting depression has become a daily battle. I do not think people care about the feelings of the man when his child is aborted, especially when he does not want it... society cares about only the woman and all I have to say to that is that it takes two. The pain is real and surreal at the same time, God give me strength to make it through.
Kyle
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