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Testimonies
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If I Can Save Just One Life
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Jennifer
North Dakota,
United States
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I have always suffered from mental health and chemical dependency issues. After I had my third child in my marriage of eight years, I started using drugs more heavily. I began a long term affair with my dealer, and I got pregnant when my daughter was two years old. I told my husband. He made it very clear that our marriage might not survive this situation and that my children would hate me. If I kept the child, my marriage would be over, and he would take the kids away from me. He said that he could not raise another man's child.
He drove me to the city, which was about 300 miles away. He dropped me off in front of the abortion clinic. I went in alone. There were so many women there, and you went from one line to another, signing papers and answering questions. It was very impersonal. I was in a fog the entire time. The nurse introduced the doctor to me when he came into the room, and the procedure started immediately. I left the abortion clinic in tears. Shaking, I called my husband to come pick me up. The fifteen minutes it took him to get there were the longest of my life. I thought he was just going to leave me there in the city by myself. On the way home, I lay in the back seat crying while he lectured me all the way home about how it was going to be from now on. I hated him, I hated myself, and I wanted to die.
I quit using meth after that, but I continued to drink and do other drugs. I was with my dealer one more time one month later, and I got pregnant again by him. For the next four months, I lay in my room depressed and suicidal. I tried to pretend that I wasn't pregnant; I was in complete denial. I tried to ignore my body until around Christmas time I could actually feel the baby moving. I knew I had to do something. I called the local abortion clinic and made an appointment. I told them how far along I might be. I said twelve weeks, and they said I had to come in right away or it would be too late. The clinic was just a few miles from my house, and I went in alone. I parked a few blocks from the clinic so no one would see my car. When I went in, I remember filling out the paperwork and taking all of my psych medications out of my purse so that I could write them down on the form for medications. Nobody seemed concerned about my mental health, and the only counseling I was offered was a quick "Would you like to speak to someone before the procedure?” Of course, I said no. I knew if I spoke to someone I might change my mind. I also thought they might realize how crazy I was and that I shouldn't have made this decision on my own.
I remember when the doctor came in and examined me he stepped away and asked the nurse how many weeks I was. She said that I had put twelve weeks on my form. You could tell that he knew I was further along, but he went ahead with the procedure anyway. During this abortion, I could actually feel the baby trying desperately to get away from the suction of the tool. My heart was crying out, and immediately I felt an overwhelming fear and sadness. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I wanted to die with my child. I could feel and hear when the instrument had grabbed hold of the baby, and I could feel my baby being pulled out of me, I felt like my insides were being ripped out. The feeling was emotional, not really physical. Unlike the other clinic, after the procedure there was a woman in the recovery room that held my hand and talked to me. When I woke up and realized what I had just done, I started to cry. She patted my hand and said that everything would be okay. She said that I had done the right thing for me, but I knew that she was lying.
I do not remember leaving or driving myself home. I also don't remember the next few days, but I know I did not get out of bed or do much of anything. On the fourth day, I got out of bed long enough to go and purchase a large bottle of red wine. I then came home and collected all of the prescription and nonprescription medication in the house. I opened every bottle and poured out all the pills in a pile in front of me on my bed. I swallowed every single one of them with that bottle of wine. If it had not been for my five-year-old knowing that something was wrong and insisting that he was sick and needed to go home, I would have not been found until it was too late. My home was less than five minutes from the ER, but I coded twice in the ambulance and once more at the hospital.
After I woke up three days later in the psych ward, I was committed to the state hospital. For the next ten years, I was in and out of treatment and recovery. Five years ago my husband and I went on a Rachel's Vineyard retreat in North Dakota. We both found a lot of healing there and some closure for myself. However, I feel that he benefited much more than myself because of his faith.
After the retreat, I began to use a little more heavily again. It had brought up a lot of emotions I was trying to suppress. The anger, hate, and guilt I feel for taking the lives of my children has haunted me more than the horribly abusive, violent childhood that I had. I have now been clean from all drugs and alcohol for over twenty months. This is the longest I have ever maintained recovery. The healing process from substance abuse and the 12 step program that I am using has also helped me come to terms with the abortions.
In one week I will stand next to my son at the front of the March for Life and hold my head high, carrying a Silent No More banner next to Father Lavone, all of the high school students from my son’s school, and the rest of our state. We have the honor of carrying the banner at the head of the March. My children, husband, and I are all pro-life advocates in our state. I am part of an ongoing lawsuit against the abortion clinic in Fargo for performing late-term abortions and abortions on women with mental health and addiction issues. All three of my children regularly stand outside the same abortion clinic that took their sister’s life from us. They pray for the women and their families that go in there. We also pray for the souls of the unborn children that never had a chance. By praying with my children, it has extra meaning and healing. They actually know what it does to the mothers and the families of those who go in there. My son Nick, who is a sophomore, spoke out at a rally in Fargo this fall at which Father Pavone spoke and shared our family's story. Father Pavone has asked us to speak out in DC with the people of the Silent No More Campaign after the March for Life next week. I hope that we are able to work it out with our trip, and I am looking forward to all of the events this coming week. I will continue to be a pro-life advocate in my community and across the United States. If my story can save one child's life, it is worth it.
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