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Testimonies
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Using Tragedy
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Katherine
Alberta,
Canada
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This will be the first time I have ever put my story in writing. It’s not easy to admit that I made such a horrible, life-changing decision. It’s not easy to look back and see how my decision for an abortion would cause me such grief, loneliness, depression, and shame that would take away 13 years of my life.
I was 25 years old. I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I thought I was going to marry this great man from a neighbouring province. Unfortunately for me, he felt I needed more time to get over my last love, who was stricken by MS after 6 years of dating. Turning to his own faith for support, there was no room for me in his life with God and his Jewish traditions. Who was I to come between that?
I brushed off the rejection from this man, as if it didn't matter. Until one day about six weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I worked in the clothing industry at the time, children's wear development, to be exact. I was hopeful of a great career, marriage, and a family at that time.
I can remember the doctor asking me if this was a planned pregnancy. I said no. I can remember the doctor handing me a piece of paper with the abortion clinic's phone number. There was no discussion about alternatives. He probably thought I was incapable of raising a child, too. At least that is what my family members had said. So they all must be right. What do I know about raising a child in a society that frowns on unwed pregnant women? To be the topic of conversation at the water cooler about my pregnancy seemed almost unbearable to live through. I did not have the self-esteem to survive the criticism and the constant judgment from family which I already endured.
Within two weeks of the abortion, my world went from sunny to a grey overcast for the next 13 years...maybe it is still a little grey...I just know that it’s a different grey today. So what happened to the father? Well, he would call me three weeks after my abortion to say he wanted to rekindle the romance. By that time, I was too numb to understand the impact that phone call was about to have on my life. I said no and chose not to tell him why.
My wardrobe changed, from being very conservative to showing more skin than ever. Short skirts, lots of makeup, extreme spending. My mind started to race, my tears were daily. I began having suicidal thoughts...and no one, including myself, connected the dots. I thought I was just lonely. I started to obsess about many things. I felt out of control. My stomach hurt constantly, I didn't know it was called anxiety. It took my appetite, and I lost a lot of weight.
After four years of seclusion outside of work, I started to become extremely paranoid and disconnected. I remember specifically one day having chicken wings with my sister and brother in law. I was now a director at a large internationally known children's wear wholesaler. My brother in law would ask me business questions, and I felt for the first time how separated I felt from these people that were the closest thing to me. I felt like a fraud.
On the outside it appeared that I had it all together. I was a little thin, but people just thought I was working too hard. No one knew how incredibly lonely and unhappy I was. In fact, I had trained myself to appear in front of people with a pasted-on smile. The reason: I was afraid someone would ask me if I was okay if they saw the real face. I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't breakdown right then and there and not recover, so the perma smile kept me alive. It also did something else. It kept people from bonding with me. I was a fraud.
After useless attempts from my doctor, all the self-help books I could read, I finally decided to let go.
I let go of my job, which was the only thing keeping me alive. Within two days and a 10km walk for MS, I entered the hospital, delusional and completely gone from reality. I stayed for three weeks on the mental health floor. It felt like club med. For the first time in years I was being taken care of emotionally, by complete strangers. I even made friends with an older woman with schizophrenia, and did her make up for her on Mother's Day and bought her MUM's (I had a weekend pass). I started to care about other people and felt alive for the first time, when I was able to make them smile.
I had to give up my career. I couldn't focus on anything anymore. It takes a long time to strengthen brain muscles when a mental breakdown occurs. In fact, I couldn't even draw. I forgot how. I've been drawing all of my life, so it was a strange experience. I gained 40 pounds in less than three months from the medications I was on. From once being considered an attractive woman, I now knew what it felt like to be completely ignored by the opposite sex, I had become invisible. I started a career in sales which allowed me to work and not have to juggle too many responsibilities at once, which is what I was used to doing and was once good at. It did help me come out of my shell a bit, but I was a lousy salesperson. I didn't have the knack to sell products that people don't need. However, I was great at customer service!
In the fall of 2008 I got on my knees and prayed to God. I surrendered my life to him. I didn't know what that meant at the time, I just knew I couldn't go on anymore. My life seemed to be a constant battle. I was attracting bad people into my life, I was not doing a good job with my life and I asked God to take it over and do whatever He wanted me to do. I confessed I had done a great job of trashing my life up until that point.
Things started to change. Followers of Jesus started to show up in my life. Then the one who would change my life forever for the good showed up. She invited me to Rachel's Vineyard for a weekend retreat for healing from abortion. I started to understand why God led me to Kelowna from Toronto, Ontario. This was the home of finding peace and forgiveness from God and the journey to forgive myself.
The Rachel's Vineyard weekend retreat in the spring of 2009 changed my life, and I am still close to the women I met, even after six years. I went in on the Friday night a Christian, but on Sunday I came out a follower of Jesus Christ. I have never looked back. The gifts He has given me since that weekend have not only proven His love for me, but has made me a true believer that it was not God who didn't forgive me, but it was me who couldn't forgive me. I realized that the self-hatred I had manifested towards myself for my sin had rained havoc on my self-esteem and opened the door to hell. Hell is what I felt I lived for so many years.
God has slowly been developing me to become the women he always intended me to be. It's not an overnight change, but I have seen how He uses my tragedies and life-changing experiences to help others, which is life-fulfilling and what I do every day.
I am so grateful for not having to live in shame and that is why I am Silent No More.
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