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Empty and Alone
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Jennifer
North Dakota,
United States
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Hello, my name is Jennifer Kraft.
I have had mental illness and addiction issues since childhood. I had my first abortion on August 4, 2003. The baby was a result of an affair with my drug dealer. My husband and I decided it would be best for our entire family to end the pregnancy. When he dropped me off I was terrified. The clinic was poorly lit and there were many other clients. We stood in line at the desks, filled out paperwork, and were moved on. They did not seem to have any interest in my psychiatric meds or past medical history. The nurse led me into a room and left me to undress. She came back with another nurse and the doctor. They all had medical masks and gloves on. I never saw the doctor’s face, and he never spoke to me. I walked out of there empty and alone.
One month later I was pregnant again. Already my depression had consumed me. I tried to ignore the signs but could not anymore when I started feeling the baby fluttering around. Afraid to lose everything, depressed, and confused – I called the clinic. I told them I was around 14 weeks, knowing it was longer, and they got me in right away. On January 6, 2014 I went in and had my little girl aborted. I parked two blocks away so no one would see my car. They were still unconcerned with my mental state. I remember the doctor asking the nurse how many weeks my chart said, and then he shook his head and proceeded with the abortion. As soon as the machine turned on I knew this was horribly wrong but was afraid it was too late. I could feel my baby trying to move away from the instrument and felt her being removed from my body. I felt sick – like my heart had been ripped out through my throat.
Four days later, I attempted suicide and was committed to the state hospital. The experience of these abortions along with the guilt and shame of doing it has compounded my mental health and addiction issues in ways I never expected. My husband found healing and forgiveness at the Rachel's Vineyard retreat we went to many years later. For me the healing began that weekend. Today I have almost two years clean from all drugs. I am learning to love and forgive myself and my family is healing.
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