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Testimonies
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No Longer Bound
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Andie
Virginia,
United States
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I was 18 years old when I became pregnant. Scared and confused, I looked for advice at a Planned Parenthood. I was easy prey because of my distress. I bought the lie that they sold to me. "It's a quick and easy procedure. You can go back to your normal life. This is the best decision for you." Within a couple days, I was sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic.
I was never told of the consequences I would face. Thinking this was my only choice, when my name was called, I slowly entered the room where my child's life would end. I would never meet the person about to take this life of my children. He just entered the room, prepared for his mission of destruction and with no explanation of what was going to occur to me, he began his execution.
Quick and easy. There was nothing quick and easy about it. In fact, it felt like forever. The procedure was painful physically and it felt like exactly what was happening. A suction would rip my baby from my womb. All I could do was stare at the wall biting my lip, trying to get through it all. When the procedure was complete, I was led to a room among other women recovering from the same procedure.
Some weeping, others remained silent and dazed as though they were disconnected.
Back to my normal life. In the days and months following my abortion, I would relive that procedure ... the sounds of the suction, the coldness of the room, the other women's vacant stares. Soon the impact of my decision and its consequences starting to evolve. I became depressed and both my physical and emotional pain grew. I developed a promiscuous lifestyle just to feel loved again.
Alcohol and drugs became my comfort and my escape from the pain. I grew to hate myself. I became numb to my feelings. I became distant from the ones who loved me the most ... my family and especially God. During this horrific cycle, I would have two more abortions. I had no one to talk to. This was such a difficult secret to bear alone. The thought of ending my life became frequent.
I knew if I didn't seek help, those thoughts would soon be a reality. In my despair, I found myself in a church. As I begged God to help me, a priest entered the church and by the grace of God, I gained the strength to seek help. Our conversation gave me the hope I needed to pull my life back together. He became my confessor, my spiritual guide and my friend in this beginning of this long journey.
He later revealed to me that I was an answer to his prayers, that he prays for women who have had abortions to come back to the church to find healing and peace. After several years, this journey took me to a very special place of healing, a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat. This is where I experience God's mercy and forgiveness. I had come to forgive myself. I left the retreat no longer bound to my past, sinful actions. I realized that no matter what I had done, no sin was beyond the reach of God's grace.
I reconnected with my faith even more. I was finally able to grieve the loss of my children, John Michael, George Steven and Mary Elizabeth. I'm so proud to have my daughter with me today. I think it's harder for me to speak today because she is here. I love her so much.
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