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Testimonies
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No Longer Ashamed
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Claudette
Ontario,
Canada
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My name is Claudette from Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario.
I was 19 when I aborted my baby; I remember sitting down with my mom and telling her that I was pregnant. There was dead silence between us. I waited for a word of encouragement. My mom finally answered, “What are you going to do? What will people think?” To save my mom the shame I decided to have the abortion. We would never speak of it again. My mom passed away with my secret. My dad never knew.
I went before the Therapeutic Abortion Committee. It consisted of one doctor. I can still hear the questions and see the room. I remember squirming and sinking deeper and deeper into my chair.
Days later I picked up the phone and heard a voice at the other end say, “Your procedure has been booked.” I didn’t feel relieved by the call.
I remember feeling a flutter in my belly. I thought I was just imagining things. It wouldn’t be until years later when I was pregnant again, feeling my babies move for the first time, that the memory of the flutter would come back to haunt me.
On the day of the abortion, I remember lying on the stretcher in the hospital hallway, being wheeled into an ice cold room, transferring onto the procedure table. I remember looking around and seeing a large glass bottle with a long tube attached to it. I was terrified. I was crying uncontrollably. The nurse said, “Don’t cry, it’ll be over soon.” Little did I know that it would take 37 years. I remember the phrase Therapeutic D&C written on my chart at the end of the bed…I thought to myself, maybe I wasn’t pregnant, maybe it was just a D&C. I didn’t know the term was used to cover up abortion.
After the abortion I had a recurring nightmare that haunted me for months. I dreamed of a glass house, engulfed in flames with a baby trapped inside of it. I would sleep during the day and try to stay awake during the night, hoping to avoid having the nightmare, but it still haunted me.
The abortion left me cold and unable to feel. My heart was hardened. I no longer had God in my life. My relationship with my parents, siblings, and friends changed. I was broken. Getting married and having a family was no longer a part of my future dreams. I had such emptiness in my heart and no matter what I did, I couldn’t fill it.
Over the next 14 years I partied a lot and became very promiscuous. Binge drinking was part of my life. I contemplated suicide, and I hurt a lot of people back then.
Two years later I met my future husband, we got married. In the first year I had a miscarriage. In my heart I blamed myself. We struggled in our marriage.
Five years later I got pregnant again. Seeing that little baby in my womb at five weeks didn’t stir up any emotion. At twenty weeks I tested positive for my baby to have Down syndrome. The doctor said I could continue or terminate the pregnancy. I chose life for my baby.
I was numb throughout the pregnancy. There was still the emptiness...but I put on a happy face. When I held my son for the first time, the emptiness was still there. The nurse said it sometimes happens after childbirth. I knew better. Since the abortion, that feeling was always present when holding a baby. Nursing my son was difficult. I felt the emptiness again.
The abortion took its toll on our marriage. I came to the resolve that I needed God back in my life. I took my first step on the road to healing. I reconciled myself with God about the abortion, but I didn’t realize that I needed to be reconciled with me.
In the fall of 2011, I joined a group of people who stood outside our local hospital, walking in witness for the unborn being aborted there. I began my journey of forgiving myself for what I had done and acknowledging my child. My deep dark secret began to surface.
I began to grieve the loss of my baby. For the first time I was able to openly speak about the abortion. Today I am able to get past all the memories I kept hidden away for so many years. I have forgiven my mother for not supporting me, the doctor and nurse, and most importantly, I have forgiven myself.
I named my unborn child Melissa. Naming her filled the hole in my heart. My husband and son both know of the wrong choice I made years ago. Today they support me in witnessing for the unborn. I am no longer ashamed. I am blessed to be able to share my healing testimony with others. I stand here today to say through God’s love and Mercy…I am silent no more.
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