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If I Could Take It Back
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Patricia
Georgia,
United States
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I had just started a new job in November of 2014, and my sister was due soon in her pregnancy. All was great; I had a new job, my ex-boyfriend-to-be and I were in a good place, and I had a nephew on the way.
A few days later, my nephew was born, and I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend about it, and he said he would be supportive in whatever I decided, no matter what I chose. So I started thinking that I didn't want to take the spotlight away from my sister and her newborn son. I did not want to risk losing my job by doing horribly at work because of my crazy morning sickness, which lasted almost my whole work day. I didn't want to put my college classes at risk. I didn't want to bring a baby into a complicated relationship. I was just scared, completely scared, and I had no idea what I should do. After talking with the father of my child, I decided that I would get an abortion. We thought it would be the best thing for us.
On February 20th, 2015, at 8.3 weeks, I took the abortion pill at a nearby clinic. I didn’t think much else of it, until it was time to take the four following pills the next day. That's when the excruciating pain began. There were unbearable cramps, and something that felt as if they were contractions. That went on for hours until I felt a large lump leave me. Seconds later, I cried. I cried and couldn't stop. I instantly regretted what I had just done, but I decided to put on a brave face because I "did the right thing for me."
From then on, things seemed okay. I thought it was over. I continued on with life blindly, not realizing who I had become and what I had lost. Three months later I was unfortunately single. What I didn't see was that I had lost myself and a part of me had died. I became numb, easily annoyed and angered, distant, and I goofed off. I stopped caring about how my relationships were going, and I did not want to be intimate in any way. I became obsessed with money and this future I was preparing for. At the time, I couldn't see why, but now I do. I tried so hard to never think about it without seeing the real problem. My abortion was the problem. I would have been 22 weeks now and my baby would have been born in October. Maybe my mother's prediction that the baby was a girl would have been right. My nephew would be having a cousin soon. But all of this was gone and would not come true.
I should have never had the abortion. I never thought things would be this way. If I had I known, or at least have been warned that that "little decision" would have this effect on me, I would have never followed through with it. Had I just held on a little longer and thought things through, I would have chosen to keep her. If there was anything I could do to take it back, I wouldn't even think twice. I'd do whatever it takes. I would be feeling her kicks right now and I would be talking to her and wishing I could see her already. I would be having my baby girl in my arms soon. This is why I am silent no more.
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