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Testimonies
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Mourning the Loss
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Karen
Colorado,
United States
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I had an abortion because at the time I thought it was the "responsible" thing to do. I was raised in a well-educated, happy, pro-choice family, and my beliefs followed what I had been taught.
I was in college, the pregnancy was not planned, and I was afraid. My boyfriend, the father, proposed to marry me, but he also wanted me to have an abortion. It didn't make any sense, but everything happened so quickly.
The clinic looked like a regular doctor's office, except that there was bullet proof glass protecting the people behind the front desk. Everyone was polite, and they briefly explained what was going to happen. Everyone behaved as though this was normal, like I was going to have a tooth pulled. I was given pain killers, so I don't remember much of the actual abortion. I do remember that the doctor said that my baby would be pulverized and then sucked out. I don't remember any emotions. I was numb and just wanted everything to be over.
Immediately after the abortion I continued to feel emotionally numb. I denied any feelings that I actually had about the abortion. I broke up with my "fiancé,” the father, a few months later, even though we had dated for four years. How could I marry the man who didn't want our child?
Fifteen years later, I am married to a wonderful man. We have been trying to have a baby for almost three years, and it hasn't worked. I was pregnant once, but I miscarried. I would give anything to go back and protect the baby that I aborted. I mourn the loss of both of my children, and I don't know if I will ever successfully be a mother.
I found help and forgiveness through a therapist and through my faith. I joined the Catholic Church and have prayed for healing and forgiveness. The sacrament of reconciliation (confession) was what helped the most, along with the support of my husband. I want other women to know that even if they are afraid, having an abortion doesn't just "make it all go away," and that is why I am silent no more!
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