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Testimonies
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Her Brother in Heaven
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Melinda
Arizona,
United States
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At age 24, I had an abortion because I was enrolled in school and felt that a child would derail my chosen career path. Although I was a baby Christian and knew it was wrong, I went ahead with the decision when my then husband left the decision up to me. I did not know what God’s word said about children being a blessing and a gift from God.
Prior to the procedure, I went to a church, hoping someone would talk to me, talk me out of it, but no one approached me, so I went to pray and cry in the sanctuary. At the time, my husband was working late nights and heavily involved in illegal drugs.
My husband took me to the clinic and 30 minutes prior to the procedure, I vomited. The social worker went through how the procedure would progress. I met the doctor as he entered the room to perform the procedure. They placed a mask over my face with nitrous oxide. I inhaled deeply and tried to make my mind go elsewhere, but all I found myself doing was crying uncontrollably while the social worker held my hand. The sound of the vacuum was making me feel sick so I yelled for more of the nitrous oxide gas. Afterwards I spent the remainder of the day on the couch feeling incredibly depressed. I divorced my husband two years later, and the results of the abortion led me down paths that included promiscuity, drug use, and relational problems.
After the abortion, I could not look at nor be around children without feeling the incredible guilt and shame of my abortion. It wasn’t until 13 years after the procedure when someone involved in ‘Forgiven and Set Free’ post abortive bible study came to my church to share her testimony about her experience. I knew I could not go to the actual service. I ordered the CD from the church and listened to it privately at home. I was so convicted to wanting freedom from the bondage I was in that I got her name, website and contacted her in August 2001. She told me of a ‘Forgiven and Set Free’ Bible study that was to take place starting Sept. 11, 2001 in the home a lady who was also post abortive. Yes, on Sept. 11, 2001. All of us ladies decided we needed to especially start the Bible study on the heels of the horrendous events that had happened in New York City, Pennsylvania, and the Washington D.C. It was so much like beauty for ashes, only God can take our darkest times and turn them to His glory. It was during the 8 week study that I wrote a song for my son. I recorded it myself and took the CD to the National Memorial for the Unborn in June 2002, but not before I went and told my parents of the deed. They had paid for an abortion years earlier when my brother got his 16 year old girlfriend pregnant. My parents had no idea that their role in the abortion of this child would influence my decision. My parents did not teach me that life was precious and a gift from God almighty. I would later have to forgive them of this to bring the healing that I so desperately needed.
Another marriage later that ended in divorce, I met my now husband who shared the gospel of grace with me. I said, “No, you don’t know what I’ve done,” and did not think God would forgive me of my abortion. After time, I realized that confessing my sin to God helped, but I could not get over forgiving myself. Going through ‘Forgiven and Set Free’, I realized that, yes, God does forgive, but more than that I was continuing to sin against God for placing myself over His sovereign reign. The Bible study resulted in the healing I needed.
Four and a half years after 9/11/2001, I was married to my current husband and pregnant well into my 40’s. I wrote another song called for my daughter and recorded it. It is on another of our CD’s. The impact of being pregnant almost 20 years later rocked our world, and I relied heavily on our church family for prayer and laying on of hands for blessing my child.
I furthered my healing by completing ‘Celebrate Recovery’ two years after my daughter was born, making amends to the people I hurt directly by my misguided actions of being post abortive for so many years. I am healthy and have a beautiful daughter who loves the Lord. I knew I would someday have to tell her about my son, and the opportunity arose not long ago when she said to me, ‘Mom, I was the first baby inside you, right?’ Not wanting to lie to her I said nothing. I finally told her last week that she has a brother in heaven. Jesus holds my son until my time on earth is done. I regret my abortion, I regret that I will not know my son until I reach heaven, and I am silent no more!
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