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Testimonies
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My Story: Journey to becoming Pro-Life
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Crystal
California,
United States
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To see Crystal's testimony, please see her video testimony
My story is a difficult one to talk about in today’s society. It’s the most important human rights issue of our time and one of society’s toughest cultural issues. This is my abortion story. I never knew how I truly felt about this topic until I had to deal with it myself. I was raised with a Christian background and knew abortion was a huge moral issue. I told myself I would never do anything like that, but it was okay for other people had to make that choice. I never gave any thought to abortion ending a human life, but rather saw it as a “right to choose”. That mentality cost me the life of my first child.
When I was 16, I met the man who would eventually become my now husband, in high school. We were young and in love. We wanted to be together constantly. Living in an overly sexualized culture, it was easier to give into the temptation of lust without regard to consequence. So, I became pregnant. The fear and panic immediately set in. The fear is so overwhelmingly real that it outweighed any other rational decision. We knew we had a support system in our parents, but we didn’t want to disappoint them or let them down. We also didn’t want the shame associated with being pregnant at this age. So we didn’t tell anybody. The only thing we could think was “How do we FIX this?” So we called the “experts” – Planned Parenthood. They did not counsel me and inform me of all my “parenting options”. The main concern was scheduling me an abortion appointment. I was advised to not communicate with the sidewalk advocates. I wasn’t able to see my sonogram and connect with my baby. Shortly after that, I went through with the procedure. It’s very hard to describe what that was like. It was extremely painful. I was crying and shaking with no support in the room. The doctor was frustrated with me and tried to hurry me, as he was behind schedule. So I laid there as tears streamed down my face, realizing that I had exercised my “right to choose” to end the life of another human being, and not just ANY human being, MY child. There was nobody there to tell me that I had another choice, and I did, which I realize today.
The feeling of relief that I was hoping for afterwards never came. Instead I felt regret, shame, remorse, guilt, and a loss. As parents, we are ingrained with instincts to protect our children, and I fought that for my own convenience. I made a promise to myself and future children that I would never do this again. But I had to move on because what was done was done. Time went on and two years later, we found ourselves in the same situation, shortly after we had both just begun college. The fear immediately set in again. This time, we had even greater stakes on the line. We didn’t want to give up the beginnings of our future and were willing to go through with another abortion, despite the promise I made myself. On my way to my appointment, I had an overwhelming sense of panic. I couldn’t fight my parental instincts this time, remembering what I had gone through the first time, and the promise I had made. I still didn’t feel ready, and I still had fear, but I just couldn’t abort again. I found the nearest exit I could and immediately felt a sense of peace and joy. Six months later, my daughter Amaya was born. This is the moment I fully valued the sanctity of human life. No amount of life or career goals could ever compare to having her. What a blessing God had given me, and I knew I would never devalue human life again. Because of the overwhelming love and joy I had with my baby girl, I knew what I was missing and what I had given up the first time. A valuable life with a purpose.
I spent the next 10 years revisiting guilt, shame, regret, and grievance for that, often causing me to suppress those emotions to avoid reliving that experience, which caused unhealthy thinking and behaviors in my life. God wasn’t going to continue to allow that for me. I thank Him for deliverance because I have been forgiven and set free from that pain. It’s something that I will never forget, and I will always acknowledge the life that I was given. I finally went back to the Planned Parenthood where I left my baby so long ago. I sat in the parking lot and told im that I was sorry, and that I will always honor and acknowledge his life by trying to help save others. I often think about what his life would be like, and I hope I’ll see him again one day. God has graced me with beauty from those ashes, and has given me a purpose and a calling to use what I have gone through to help other people.
I know what it’s like to be in a difficult life situation, and subsequently choose abortion because of that, but I also know what it’s like to choose Life, in spite of circumstance. Out of difficulties grows miracles. Life is a gift.
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