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Testimonies
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Taking Off the Mask
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Nancy
Missouri,
United States
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At the age of 17 I found myself pregnant with my second child. I shared with my husband that I did not want another baby so soon. We made arrangements to terminate the pregnancy. We visited an abortion clinic and made an appointment for an abortion the next day. That night I had a dream of a little girl running through a field toward me. When she got in front of me she said, “Mommy, don’t kill me.” I told my husband the next morning that I did not want to follow through with the abortion. He informed me that he had already taken off work and this was what we were going to do. I went with him to the clinic.
I was taken back and placed on a table where I met with the Doctor who would perform the abortion. He told me that he was going to scrape my uterus and use a suction device like those used in a dentist office. When the procedure was over I was placed in a recliner and waited for my husband to come get me. When I went home we did not speak about the abortion. We did not speak about the abortion until 15 years later when I sought counseling.
I would think I was over the trauma, and then someone would mention a pro-life event, or I would see a poster or billboard. I knew I could never participate in any pro-life event because of what I had done. The pain was too much. Furthermore, I had received so much condemnation each time I told someone that I believed that I was just being a hypocrite. I continued to wear a mask and decided to never tell anyone again. I could not believe that God could forgive me.
I excelled in every area that I pursued. I had a ladies ministry at church. I had gone to college and earned a master’s degree in education. I tried to never intentionally sin, yet I would continually have periods of deep depression and anger come over me. My husband is the only one that ever saw my mask come off.
God began to prepare my heart for what was to come. He put a desire in me to volunteer at a local pregnancy resource center. Since I was post-abortive I was required to take a class before I could volunteer. I did not realize until I took the Surrendering the Secret class that the trauma I experienced each time I visited the dentist was post- traumatic stress. No amount of medication could calm me when I heard the suction sound from the instruments. I could not explain the tears streaming down my face as I was being treated by a dentist. By deciding to be “silent no more” I learned to forgive as Jesus forgave me of the sin I committed. I understood for the first time what grace truly was and why Jesus took those stripes on Calvary. It was for the healing of every woman that has experienced the guilt, shame, condemnation, and most of all, the loss a child through abortion.
I hid behind a mask for years, giving the allusion that I trusted God for everything. But underneath my mask I was overcome with guilt, shame, condemnation, and grief. The pain of aborting my little girl at age 17 left me with an emptiness that I tried to fill by giving to my church, family, and my work. I only found healing and wholeness when I decided to be “silent no more” and join a Surrendering the Secret class, where I learned to let Jesus heal me and release me from the guilt, shame, condemnation, and grief of having had an abortion. Now I am ready to help other women find healing from their abortions.
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