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The Hole in my Heart
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Pamela
Oklahoma,
United States
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In 1984 I was 20 years old. My boyfriend was 16 (his mother gave us her blessing).
I got pregnant and, since he was 16, he said he was not ready to be a father. I had no support from my side of the family, and we never told his mother. I'm sure she would have talked me out of it if I would have told her.
I went to the clinic, and protestors were outside screaming at me and my boyfriend. WHY didn’t I listen?! They tried to tell me I was killing my baby. I went in, was counseled for 30 minutes, and paid the money. Then I waited my turn. I will never forget the sound of that suction machine or the physical pain I felt. It was awful.
The following year the boyfriend and I married. In March 1987 I had a daughter. In May 1988 my husband left me for another woman. He continued visiting me and our daughter. By October I realized I was pregnant. I told him, and he straight up told me, “I do not want you, I do not want the responsibility of being a father, and I do not want that baby you’re carrying.” I was totally, utterly devastated.
The very next day I went to the clinic alone, and I had an abortion. I hated myself for it.
I went out, got drunk, and had a wreck. I went to jail. I was pitiful in the police department, sobbing, telling them my story, showing them my paperwork from the abortion. They never did put me in jail. I sat at a desk, and I cried and sobbed and prayed out loud for God to help me. I was allowed one phone call. I called my dad. I had never been in trouble before. My dad said, “You got yourself in this mess you can get yourself out!” I sobbed and prayed, "God, please help me get out of this mess, I promise I will straighten up.” I sat at that desk for what seemed like hours.
An officer walked up and said, “Ma’am, you can go now.” I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “A church has paid all your fines, and you need to call someone to come pick you up.” I said, “What church?!” (I hadn't been to church in years.) He said, “I can’t give you that information, but you better keep your promise to God.”
Well, I did keep my promise to God. I struggled a little, but I kept my promise. God showed me grace. I realized then that He is the ONLY father I could count on and trust.
I grieve every day for my babies. I can’t begin to tell you how badly I regret getting those abortions. The years and years shame I have felt, the guilt, the emptiness, the giant hole in my heart. I am forever changed because I killed my precious babies.
I have been pregnant seven times. I had two abortions, two miscarriages, and God blessed me with three living children. God sent me a good husband, and he is a wonderful dad. My uterus was so severely scarred that it was a miracle I was able to carry a baby to full term. God is good!
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