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Forgiven and Loved
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Angelina
Ontario,
Canada
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"I hate you. You will never be able to fix this." I told myself as I stared at my reflection in the window of the bus bringing me back home to Canada after my abortion.
Having a difficult childhood, I was no stranger to trauma, but nothing prepared me for the trauma of abortion:
The pain caused by the cold, steel instruments; the powerlessness I felt; the high-pitched sound of the vacuum aspirator; the sight of the bottle next to my right foot filling up with blood; the sense of death and of being watched during the procedure; feeling the baby's soul leave my body.
My nightmare began with a date rape, but it did not end with my abortion. Things only got worse.
Living in a secret prison of self-hatred and condemnation, nothing helped. Not a new name, a new job, a new address, or new friends. Drugs, alcohol, and sexual affairs did not numb the spiritual and emotional pain.
I was plagued by suicidal thoughts.
Helped by a counselor who called abortion by its rightful name - Sin, I thought the abortion was behind me.
To my surprise, the abortion resurfaced upon marriage.
The marital embrace, babies, baby showers, motherhood, doctors, dentist drills, vacuum cleaners, music, the weather and mirrors - my abortion connectors sent me into emotional anguish.
To cope with the intrusive memories, I poured myself into my job, drank and smoked excessively, and starved myself to the point of being seriously ill.
The gaunt reflection staring back at me during the years that followed my marriage would startle me today.
Year after year, I couldn't conceive. Was God punishing me?
Finally, I experienced an ectopic pregnancy that took the life of my son, Joseph Michael, and nearly ended mine. I never conceived again.
My healing journey started by grieving Joseph Michael's death. As I did so, I found the courage to face the abortion death of my first child, Sarah Elizabeth.
With the help of many people and post-abortion healing retreats, I worked through the trauma and forgave all involved, especially myself.
Today, the woman looking at back at me in the mirror is someone who is forgiven and loved. I stand with a wonderful husband, but there are no children and no grandchildren by our sides. I regret the abortion that robbed us of our genealogy, and that is why I am silent no more.
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