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I Have Been Made New
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Mandy
Ohio,
United States
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When I was nineteen years old I was a young college student supporting myself. I became pregnant fairly quickly after starting a new relationship. Immediately, shame came over me. I was in shock. Having a child was not part of my plan. My boyfriend did not want to have a child, and I didn't feel I had the means to raise a child alone.
Ultimately the decision was made to have an abortion. I never felt comfortable with it. I made the arrangements and refused to allow myself to think about what it really meant. It was a way out of a problem that seemed too big to get through. I recognize now that during that time the enemy started whispering lies to me that I accepted as truths. It was no solution at all. It would be one of the greatest losses and regrets I would ever know.
I have never felt more alone than the day of my abortion. I sat in the dark, dingy abortion clinic with my boyfriend. There were other women around us, but I could hardly bring myself to look up from my feet. Although I sat there, free to move as I pleased, I felt trapped. I remember feeling like I was screaming on the inside and just wanted to run. I just sat quietly. I simply went through the motions. Having my child taken from my body was a pain I could have never imagined. I regretted my choice immediately. A part of myself died that day too.
In order to cope with the experience, I went numb. I refused to acknowledge the pain the abortion had caused and the regret I was carrying around with me. I blocked out much of the experience and didn’t allow myself to think about that day. The enemy’s whispers turned to shouts. I bought into the lie that I deserved anything bad that came my way. There would be no acceptance, love, or peace for me. I had a longing for security and spent years looking in the wrong places.
By the grace of God that is not where my story ends. As life moved on I became nurse, wife, and mother. Christ came into my life shortly before I married, though healing didn’t come quickly for me. I stood in the way of that. I held onto the lie that this sin was too big for forgiveness.
Nine years later, I attended an abortion healing class and that is when my healing journey truly began. Since that time, I have allowed myself to feel the pain and loss of my abortion. I have laid the lies down at Jesus’ feet and picked up the truths he has had for me all along. I have found true forgiveness and healing through Christ.
The journey to healing has been long and sometimes painful. The Lord continues to bless me and help me grow. Although I can’t change my past I now know the truth. I am a Child of God who has been made new through Christ and nothing can separate me from his love. His truth has set me free and that is why I am silent no more!
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