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Testimonies
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Not My First
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C
New York,
United States
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Last December 2015, I made a choice that I can never undo. I’ve never discussed what I did until now. Of course, some close friends knew about what I had done, but no family members or anything.
At the time I was in love. I thought I had met my soul mate for the first time. We were very close from the get-go and very careless with regards to sex. I wasn't on the pill. He has always said if I ever got pregnant we would figure it out and take care of him or her together.
Well, I'll never forget the night I found out I was pregnant. We were Christmas shopping. I had been extremely tired. We ended up going home, and I had horrible cramps. He asked me when my last period was, and I knew I had been late, but for some reason really didn't think much of it. He urged me to get a pregnancy test, in which we both ended up getting together.
I took the test in his mom and dad’s bathroom. The test instantly came back positive. I felt scared, excited, and confused all in one.
I'll never forget going back out to the kitchen where his mom and dad were and looking at him... he knew it came back positive without me even speaking a word.
When we went into his room and were alone from his family, he said very matter-of-factly, "Well? Are you going to get an abortion?" I immediately said well no, I have to think about it. He came back at me with, "What's there to think about? We can't have a baby."
It was all coming to me that he didn't mean anything he said in the past, and he didn't see a future with me or this baby.
I felt a lot of pressure in the next weeks to come. I knew I had to make a choice. I decided to appease my boyfriend at the time. I went ahead with planning for an abortion.
He went with me and did have a hard time after all was said and done. It was extremely hard on me, physically, the day of the abortion. I felt sick all day, and I was extremely tired and also very nervous. It was a long process, and it took hours just to get in to see the doctor. It's an experience I want to forget but never will be able to.
Afterwards, I felt numb. I thought my boyfriend and I would possibly work things out and since, I did what he wanted, maybe there would be a chance for us to move forward and have another baby when the time was right. We continue to speak to this day, but I feel alone in my pain.
At least once a month I cry and feel incredible loss and guilt and pain from the abortion. I know if I had him to talk to about it, it could be easier for me, but he cannot talk about it to me or anyone for that matter. So it's all on me and my conscience, and it feels incredibly lonely at times. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, because only a select few people really get it ... I decided to write on this site because I am in pain thinking about my loss, and I think it's a great way to share personal stories.
I know when I do, God willing, have a child I will never ever forget that she or he is not my first. It kills me to think now about what I chose to do, whether I was influenced or not. It's very sad to me because I know now I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have listened to him.
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