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Testimonies
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Always Have Regret
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Elizabeth
Ohio,
United States
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I don't know where to begin. I know that even before actually getting my abortion I was already abortion-minded. Having been in two earlier relationships, I knew if something were to happen, I would have done the same in those. However, the man of my dreams, the man I wanted to marry, was already married. He was separated but still "legally" married. So, yes, we were in an adulterous affair. We would not call it that then, but now we can and do. Well, after his "divorce," we found out we were pregnant. Within a couple of weeks, we had decided to end the pregnancy. I decided, and he agreed.
Romans 6:1: As slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness. Have we suffered? Yes. Have there been consequences? Yes, there have been many, many, many. These consequences, such as our lack of trust and security with each other and physical relationship problems, have made us suffer greatly for all these years. Is he the most wonderful guy in the world? Yes, in my eyes, he is the love of my life. He is my hero and my best friend. I would not want to go through any of this with anyone else. He knows and understands me, and He fights for me and loves me. Is he perfect? No, but neither am I.
The abortion took place in June of 2000 at a women's clinic in Akron, Ohio. Leading up to it, I was in a daze. Did I think it was wrong in some way? Yes, I was in the wrong, and I was hiding, but I did it anyway. My selfishness was at its height, and I made up my mind to "fix it.”
This is so hard to write. We got to the clinic, and it was crowded. I wondered if everyone there was doing the same thing I was going to do.
We did go to a place before this clinic a week earlier and that doctor had blood on his gown, touched me in a way he should not have, and treated me very much like a whore. That is what I felt I was. I did see a girl coming out from the back before I went in, and she was crying. I thought, “If this thing is so legal and ‘good,’ as we are told, why is she crying?”
Back at the clinic where it happened, we did receive counseling and some information, but I have no idea what was said. She was nice, and she did not condemn what we were doing. I was just in a fog. We waited together for a little bit. I was called and had to go down the stairs. Halfway down, it was dark and I was alone. I went into a room to change, just like any doctor's office. Then, two ladies came in to give medicine to relax me. Okay, fine. Then put my feet up like for an examination. Then the doctor came in. I remember her because she was the prettiest black lady I had ever seen. So, I thought she would be nice and caring. She did not say a word to me. She just looked at my chart and did the procedure. All I felt was a cut feeling, which I remember to this day because I thought, "What have I done?" My body did try to fight it before the cut, and the two ladies did hold me down so I would not get injured, I guess? Then they said there was suction, and it was over. It was four hundred dollars to end the life of my child and for consequences I lived with afterward. I will always have this regret.
After the procedure, I was placed in a recovery room to have water and crackers. There were a few of us there. The lady across from me stated that this would have been her fourth or fifth, and she just could not do it anymore. I thought, "What have we become? What are we doing? What did I just do?" After this, I went through the back door, and there was a police officer. This surprised me because this is supposed to be "good and legal," right? Well, we got to the truck to head home, and I wanted to stay in a hotel. We did. We were on the bed together, and I lay down facing up. I just cried out, knowing that what I had done was wrong. I had just done something as a child you thought you would never do, which was to murder your own child. I was devastated. But life moved on, and I did everything I could to hide it. Basically, I thought I would take it to my grave.
So, through our mess of our relationship and our decisions, we started searching for God. I was empty inside, and I knew I needed something. So, I was open to the things of God. Well, long story short, I read the "Case for Christ" which in turn led me to the Bible. That in turn saved my soul, in finding Christ as my Lord and my Savior.
We were married two years after the abortion, but we suffered from the consequences. We did have two wonderful children in 2003 and 2005. But there was still something wrong with me. I finally told my parents about it and some friends, but I still have many who do not know. I finally told our children about it within this past year. The Lord was pressing me to tell our 16 year old, the daughter of my husband's first marriage. I asked the Lord how I could tell her when I had not dealt with it myself. Well, His pressing led me to Forgiven and Set Free, an organization which our church sponsors.
I went through the class from September of 2014 through November 2014. I turned 42 in March of 2015. I had my menstrual cycle in February of 2015. My birthday came and went and no cycle. So, I sheepishly asked my husband to get a pregnancy test. Sure enough, we were pregnant! My son was born November of 2015, a year after my healing. I am learning to taste and see that the LORD is good and to see His FORGIVENESS!
May He bless all who read this. Only God and God Alone can give life and breath. He is the one who decides to give life. To take life is not up to us on any and all levels of life. I had to learn it the hard way. Glory and Honor belong to the LORD JESUS CHRIST!
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