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Opened the Eyes of my Heart
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Minda
Maryland,
United States
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Good afternoon. My name is Minda Anderson. On March 3, 2005 I walked into our local county hospital in southern Maryland and had an abortion in their out-patient surgery department because Olivia Grace, our child that we aborted had been diagnosed with a profound cystic hygroma; ultimately, we were told, quite matter-of-factly that there are no live births of children with this diagnosis.
During the abortion procedure I was numb, shocked and confused that my OB was performing an abortion on me in our local hospital. I have every corner and detail of that operating room etched in my mind forever. I was so confused as to how all of the staff, not just my supposed “doctor” could stand by while this happened.
Immediately after the abortion I felt like I was a bloody mess. I felt like my insides had been ripped out. That I wasn’t quite dead. But I was only alive enough to feel unimaginable pain - and for everyone in my path to swerve around me, at a high rate of speed, to avoid the ugliness.
As time went on after the abortion. I clung to the ugly for quite some time – the ugly of guilt, shame, depression, anger, and unforgiveness. There weren’t too many folks I wasn’t mad at, and it showed. My husband and I had decided that it would be “irresponsible” and “immoral” to try to have any other kids. So, I balled just looking at our almost 1 year old at the time, thinking she was doomed to loneliness and isolation as an only child. This continued for many months – until one morning I woke up – literally and spiritually. God truly opened the eyes of my heart.
I found help and forgiveness, when, on that morning I woke up. And woke up I did. It was quite literally a miracle that I had a heavy burden to pray folks. To pray! And pray to the Lord and ask for forgiveness of not just my abortion, but all of the ugliness. It was in this moment that I felt the power of the Lord. And felt his mighty strength I did! I was convicted in a big way to try to conceive again. So, this conviction – this conviction to try to conceive again was without a doubt the hand of the Lord. I’ve felt first-hand what it’s like to be sought out by the Lord, just as it states in Jeremiah 29:11-14:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then, you will call upon me and come and pray with me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.
It is only because of Jesus and the power of His resurrection that I finally feel free - that I’m no longer up, literally, all night long consumed with guilt, shame, anger, and unforgiveness. I pray that each of you, if you haven’t already, finds the rest and peace that can only be found through our resurrected Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. My husband and I have 6 precious children.
More than a few Scriptures have really spoken to me throughout my experiences, particularly in regard to forgiveness and anger; but, the following verses found in Psalm 30:11-12 will resonate with me for the rest of my life. I wanted to close with it:
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent, O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever.
And THAT is why I am SILENT NO MORE.
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