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Testimonies
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Help Is Out There
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Breanne
California,
United States
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I had an abortion because I was confused. I was dealing and living in a terrible relationship that controlled me, but I stayed in it through the ups and downs, even though it primarily brought me down. I was sick and thought that I deserved to be treated poorly, but I stayed in it because I really liked the guy or loved him. So, to heal my feelings, I would hang out with another "nice" guy who treated me very well (or what I understood to be “well”) , took me to nice dinners and said nice things. We would drink, and we would drink hard, but this was when I didn't realize I had a drinking problem as well.
So, to flush down the feelings with the complicated relationship I was in, I would drink until I could no longer feel those feelings and then have romantic love, which led to promiscuity and unprotected sex. I had usually taken the morning after pill so that I wouldn't get pregnant. But this time I drank too much when intercourse had taken place, and I didn't know what had actually happened. The father of the child didn't warn me the next day, so I just went on with my life, always being worried I might possibly be pregnant, because this would happen sort of often. I would buy pregnancy tests just to be sure or to find out if I was pregnant or not. Well, I found out I was pregnant and, right away, I knew the option was abortion. I didn't want anything else. I knew that was what I had to do. I was worried what my family would think of me, especially since I wasn't married. There is no way I could tell everyone I was pregnant. My family would be so humiliated. I thought they would get mad at me, actually, especially coming from an Italian community. I remember thinking how humiliated my grandmother would be. Not to mention being pregnant and having a big belly at work, when I worked at a Church. All these emotions and feelings overwhelmed me, and I knew I had to get rid of it as soon as possible, especially when wasn't a matter of fact certain who the father was, because I was sleeping with two men at that time period. But my gut told me who it was, with the timing and how far along I was, I knew.
I went to the clinic and, sure enough, I was pregnant. I said, “How do I go about getting an abortion?” The young girl said, “Are you sure?” I said, “Yes.” So she gave me some phone numbers for abortion clinics. I called one up that would take me immediately, especially when they found out how far along I was. I was 11-13 weeks, I can't remember exactly. They were kind and scheduled me two days later.
I walked in and everything was easy peasy. I brought a friend who had had an abortion also, so I was comforted that she had gone through the same thing. The doctor was very nice and welcomed me and said, “Well, at least you know you can get pregnant!” I felt such a relief and felt so good when he said that, thinking, yup he is right!
I was so relieved when the procedure was done. I don't remember what happened in the room except for lying on the bed. I think a nurse may have been in the room, too. My friend was in the room, and she said she looked in the sonogram screen (two years later she told me this), could see the baby, and felt so bad for it. I never saw the baby. I just wanted it done and over with. Afterward, I walked out, and they scheduled me for a follow up. Well, I never went back. I put it off and never wanted to go back. I remember my friend and I went to breakfast afterward at Denny's, and I was so, so relieved! Then the rest of that day I watched movies at home, stayed at home while my family was away on vacation, which I was so happy about. I took the day off work, and I believe I went back to work the next day.
After seeing post abortion healing program in our church bulletin at work I said, “That's not for me, that's for people who are desperate and think they're not forgiven.” Well, shortly after, about two years later, I started to think that maybe I did need the help, and the feelings would surface more and more. I started to look at websites and search for answers. I broke down at Mass, especially during the Homily. I was starting to go back to Mass on my own on Saturday evenings at the Church in which I felt comfortable. I remember afterward getting inside my car, tears rolling down my face, because I felt home again, I felt the Holy Spirit working through me, and I truly believe that was when my healing began.
It has now been a year and a half after those experiences (four years since the abortion). I have sought healing, I go to Mass regularly now, and I have found the truth and the life-giving words and wisdom from our Savior and His Mother. I am truly grateful for my faith that has saved me and has brought healing, forgiveness, and life back to me. It is a process, and I have to work at it on a daily basis. I am still healing, but I trust and believe God is working through me for the better. He wants me to be Silent No More! He wants me to communicate and speak out about the healing and forgiveness that He desperately wants every single woman to feel. The shame and guilt need to be let go and brought to God because He loves us so much. I want to share this healing, hope, and forgiveness with other women and tell them that it is available, and it can be done. I love you and so do many other women.
There is so much help out there! Start now. Don't let anyone or anything tear you down. You're worth it. Don't let one decision tear your life down. Everything happens for a reason, and God does not allow anything to happen without meaning. He is with us through it all. There is meaning in your life. God does not give us anything we can't handle! He wants us to help others understand the terrible act abortion is and how death can come into life! It's why He is our salvation. This road from recovery to healing transforms our hearts, minds, and souls, so we can become to know right from wrong, to understand truth, life, and death, and to get to know God better, become stronger as a whole human being, and become a better person, which God wants. He knew we were going to make mistakes, He knows everything, He is omnipotent, which is why He granted us salvation! Because He knew we would need it. But he was so generous! He saved us so in life so that, through hard times and mistakes, we can come to know Him better and understand the meaning of life, which is our salvation!
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