In the past several months, I had noticed that it didn't matter where I went or what I did, everything hurt so much! So I started praying about it. Lo and behold, it wasn't very long before the door opened, after 34 years of my trying to cover my shame of my abortion with self-righteousness.  I was made aware of a counseling program that was stated to bring healing from having an abortion.

Just to catch you up a little. When I was around 17, I made some horrible choices, which involved fornication, and I ended up getting pregnant. I really wanted to finish college.  I was so embarrassed that it happened to me. So I lied to get the money for the abortion, I found someone who would take me, I ate ramen noodles for probably a month, and I had an abortion. I thought it was a choice, that it was okay. I thought then that I had the right to make that choice. I didn't fully understand that there was actually a baby.

The experience at the abortion clinic was very cold. They immediately put me on birth control before the abortion, which I was not comfortable with. They told me it would be quick and if there were any complications it would cost more money which I had brought. I remember them doing the procedure, and it started hurting horribly.  They knocked me out with something and then I remember waking up and them telling me it didn't go as expected, or something like that. I felt horrible; I was so empty and all I wanted to do was cry. And I didn't want to talk to the person that had brought me. I just wanted to go back to my dorm room and be alone. I know that at some point after that I did ask Jesus to forgive me for my sin of abortion along with all my other sins. I rededicated my life to Christ just months later.

It took me awhile to get away from the life of promiscuity. But I got back into a church, hung with Christian people, and started growing in my Christian walk again. I asked a Christian sister to pray with me for a Christian husband. And so we prayed in the park. God brought me a Christian husband. I asked for a Christian man who wore blue jeans and t-shirts, because I lived in the city and was around men in suits and strong smelling cologne. Anyway, in God's grace, I have a Christian husband and three grown children who love the Lord. But it's not as easy as all of that. Along the path of these 34 years, I have struggled with panic attacks, anxiety attacks, being obsessive over certain areas of my life, and addictions to exercise.  I had a huge tumor removed from my abdomen (thankfully not cancerous) and have had trouble eating a variety of foods.  I have had nightmares and hardly any people in my life.  I quit 30 jobs and left many churches.

I found help and forgiveness through Healing Hearts Ministry. It was not an easy process to walk through. In the beginning, when I found I was hurting no matter what I did, I didn't know it was because of my abortion. But God showed me what I had done, that I had killed my baby, and that I had to take ownership on doing that myself and quit blaming everyone else. That's what I had done—blamed everyone else and everything else. I've tried really hard not to do that in my testimony, because I know that is the beginning of my healing. I lied for the money, I called the abortion clinic, and I found the person to take me even though it was more than two hours away.  I walked through the doors at the abortion clinic, I climbed up on that table, and I allowed them to kill my baby. God showed me in His Word that what I had done was an abomination to Him. One of the seven things God hates is shedding of innocent blood. One of the biggest things I learned is that my baby deserved to be protected, and I failed to do that, and I failed God in miserably in this also. I had the opportunity to wail, cry, and lament the loss and death of my baby. I learned that, in my heart, I knew that my baby had died, and I was so sad. I had the chance to grieve my baby's death.

Then, God showed me that this is why He had the amazing plan to send His Son to die on the cross, that horribly agonizing death, for me, for my sins of abortion, fornication, lying, and all the rest. But by faith I had to confess my sin of abortion, fornication, lying and all the rest and also to accept His forgiveness for my sins. Jesus has forgiven me and has also covered my shame with His blood. In the first place I had no idea what I had done when I had my abortion, that I killed my baby and that I had grieved God so much! I believe God wanted me to go deeper with Him on this because I all I had been saying all these years was, "Dear Jesus, forgive me for all my sins. In Jesus Precious Name I Pray, Amen”—not realizing I had killed a human being and grieved my Heavenly Father in the greatest imaginable way. At every point in this counseling process, I have cried out to My God and said, if it were possible, I would go back and do it different, God. I would go back and, after I knew I was pregnant, I would cry out to God and say, “Dear God, I am pregnant, and I don't know what to do. Please help me? Please show me what to do to keep my baby.”  Now, I know God would have provided a way. But I can't go back.  I can only go forward. 

Then in the counseling, I have had the opportunity to name the people, list the offense, and forgive all those people who played a part in my life during before and after the abortion. I've also had the opportunity to go to those people who I have offended and ask them to forgive me. This was huge, and it was possibly the hardest part. I went around this step for a few weeks and then went back and did it right and so glad that I did. The love that God could flow through both sides, and when I asked for forgiveness it was awesome. I asked for forgiveness knowing that I might not get the same response from them. That wasn't what mattered. What mattered was my obedience to God. God asks me to forgive others in the same way that He has forgiven me and solely because He has forgiven me. They don't deserve it, and it doesn't let them off the hook with God. It clears up my relationship with my God. I learned how to pray for my enemies on a daily basis and am continuing to do so. I learned that I had had so much bitterness and how to take it to God and let it go. And I've learned that when I get upset or angry, on the same day, to take it to God, to not let the sun go down on my wrath so that the root of bitterness cannot take hold. I learned not to beg people to be in my life. I am worth more than that.

God has opened up a door for me to have a job where I can minister to others. It doesn't pay much, and it's a difficult job. I believe it's His will for me. In the past I have quit every job I have started in usually within six months. I am praying that Jesus will give me the strength now to do this job until I can no longer work anymore.

God has shown me that I have no place in judging others any more. There are hardly any people who have done something as bad as I have. I've been forgiven, but there isn't any one worse than me. I deserve nothing and need to be thankful for everything. I have tons of anxiety, and Jesus is teaching me to bring that to Him, to cling to Him, and He reminds me often that He is holding my right hand.

Now, whenever I have the opportunity to say to someone or to protect a little one, I speak out no matter what the cost, and say, "Protect that child." They have a right to be protected. I have been instructed to pick up my cross daily and follow Him. That is what I am trying to do in Jesus’s strength. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. I also have been taught to resist the devil, and he will flee from me and to use scripture against the devil. I need to stay in God's Word daily in order to grow in Jesus and be used by Him. And as I have gone through this counseling and have been obedient, the devil isn't happy and has bothered me more than usual. So happy to have this tool and be reminded of it. I also told the Lord many, many years ago, that I would use this part of my life for His glory and that's why I am silent no more!