I am a woman who has lost two children through abortion.  This year my children would have been 24 and 22 years old.

In December 1992, at the age 19, my sophomore year in college, I had my first abortion at 12 weeks.  I was unsure who the father was.  I told my three brothers, and my sister-in-law accompanied me.  The reasons I had an abortion: I felt I was not ready to be a parent, I wanted to finish school, I was afraid a baby would ruin my future, and I was embarrassed to be pregnant.  From what I can remember, everyone at the abortion clinic was kind.  Immediately after the abortion I felt relieved, I believed things would go back to normal, and I could go on with my life.  The long term impact on my life was that I continually attempted to numb the pain from shame and guilt through promiscuity and by excessive drinking.

In February 1995, at the age of 21, while I was still in college, I had my second abortion at 8 weeks.  This unplanned pregnancy occurred during a one night stand.  At the time I told my sorority sister, Vanessa, and a youth leader from church.  Vanessa accompanied me and I went to Sabrina’s house to recover after the abortion.  The reasons I had an abortion: I was not in a relationship with the father, and I was embarrassed to be pregnant.  From what I can remember everyone at the abortion clinic was kind. 

Immediately after the abortion I felt relieved and believed everything would be ok.  The long term impact on my life was that I continually attempted to numb the pain from shame and guilt through promiscuity and alcohol.

I have never acknowledged the lost that occurred through my abortions.  I have only acknowledged my personal shame, guilt, and embarrassment.

My abortion memories were triggered when I had a miscarriage in September 2016.  20+ years later and my abortions were still having a long term impact, because I never addressed the guilt, shame, embarrassment, and loss.  The miscarriage of my 5th baby at 9 weeks was one of the worst traumas I have had to endure in my life and to hear the doctor just casually say, “We can schedule a D&C and clean everything out,” was a trigger that said, you have been here before.  The procedure was called a voluntary abortion.  It was trigger for me that reminded me of an act that I so casually did out of convenience.

I know I have been forgiven, but I want that to transfer from head to my heart. I know God forgives, and I know my children are in heaven with Him, but there are some things I must say for my own personal healing.

To my first two children:  I am sorry.  I am sorry I didn’t value your life.  I am sorry that my actions were from a very selfish place. I am sorry I didn’t give you an opportunity to live.

That's why I'm silent no more!