I had my abortion because I was told by the medical professionals that my baby would be born with major birth defects and that it could do harm to me if it was necessary for me to stop taking my psych medication.  The psych meds had already done damage to the fetus.  The ultrasound showed this.  I never believed them.  I was told something that may have not been true because of my diagnosis of bipolar.  I question these even today because so many babies are born to women who have diagnoses. 

My abortion was done in a clinic in a nearby state.  The actual experience was totally terrifying.  When the fetus was finally vacuumed out of me, the doctor held it up and told the nurse to hold it so I can see what I had just done as she placed it into an emesis basin.  I bore my pain in silence, hoping it would not be so bad if I just stayed quiet and hissed the pain away.  When I was placed in a room, I could remember feeling numb in my brain and not feeling worthy to live because of what I just allowed to happen to my baby.  I thought about what I was going to do, because I could never tell people what I did.  Whenever I saw signs with a fetus promoting pro-life, I would have nightmares at night and not want to drive by certain areas where I knew there would be people holding signs and posters about killing babies. 

As time went on my horrible feelings about myself began to subside, but only after many years.  It was not until last year, when my baby would have been 35 years old if she had lived, that I finally felt a real sense of forgiveness and worth after attending the Surrendering the Secret Healing and Recovery Program. I learned how to hold my head up high and walk again with nothing to hide.  I learned the tools that I needed to fight back and help others by telling my story, and that's why I am silent no more!