Hi. I’m LaKesa from Arkansas. I’ve tried for years to suppress my abortions. Some of the memories are still very foggy, but I learned through Post-abortion recovery that this is a natural side effect, very similar to PTSD. But I’m going to do my best to place the details as well as I can.

I grew up in a Christian family. When I accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior I was a young girl. I didn’t know a lot, but I believed wholeheartedly in the Gospel story. My Mama and I were always very close. We could talk about anything and everything.

I met the father of my babies when I was 15. I believed myself to be in love, so I determined that I didn’t have to wait until marriage to have sex because I was going to marry him (so non-biblical). By the time I was 19, I knew I was NOT going to marry him but couldn’t quite break off the relationship. When I found out I was pregnant I told the father. I also told him I was not keeping the baby. I also told a girl I worked with, and she made the appointment. I purposely did not tell my Mama, any family, or true friends, because I knew they’d try to persuade me into keeping the baby. The day of the appointment (some time in 1995) the girl from work picked me up and took me to an abortion clinic. The atmosphere felt like cattle being led to the chopping block. The worker at the clinic took my money and placed me in a room with other girls. At some point I changed into a hospital gown. My name was called, and I was taken to a room, put on a table, and placed in pap smear position. All of a sudden I projectile vomited on the doctor and the workers. It was so very scary and disgusting. Then, it was done. I had killed my baby and didn’t mention it until years later.

I was 20 when I got pregnant the second time by the same guy, although I had broken off the relationship. I don’t remember too much about it. I know I was pregnant, and I told no one. I remember walking to the abortion clinic from the parking lot, and there was a man leaned up against the building. He didn’t say anything, he just looked at me, softly. Then a worker came outside and told me to ignore him, that he was only there to harass me. I often wonder if he was an angel.

I was 23 or 24 when I told my Mama about my first abortion. She was very comforting. I told my husband before we were married. If I was unable to get pregnant I felt he should know. Every other person I told about the first abortion fell into place depending on the situation.

I never mentioned the second abortion until I was 42 and went through Freedom Weekend, “After the Choice”, a post-abortion recovery program. My early 20’s were some of my darkest. I don’t remember certain moments in time because I was trying so hard to block out the abortions. I was so sad (depressed). I’d have anxiety attacks and horrible nightmares. Freedom Weekend was so amazingly beautiful, liberating, and healing. To know and accept the forgiveness and freedom that only Jesus Christ can bring leaves me in wonder and awe.

My husband, children, and my Mama know about both of my abortions. I am forgiven and set free. The enemy can no longer hold me in bondage. And that’s why I’m silent no more!