I became pregnant as a college student in 1980.  I was perched on the edge of adulthood, my whole life ahead of me.  I was in a new and serious relationship with a young man, and didn’t want to lose him.  I didn’t want to shame and disappoint my parents.  Those were the reasons I chose abortion. 

My abortion was on my 20th birthday. I was not prepared for the pain I would experience, and the sound of the suction machine.  I could see the suction canister on the table next to me.  When I saw my baby go into the canister, I felt like something inside me died. 

Immediately afterwards, I forced myself to shut out the reality of what had happened. I had taken care of my “problem.” Now I was going to put on a happy face and celebrate my birthday. 

Over the next thirty years, I struggled with guilt, depression, and relationship problems.    Despite being successful, I felt worthless.  No amount of accomplishment could erase the guilt.  Raising my three children, I often wondered about my aborted child.  Mother’s Days were particularly painful. 

My healing began when I heard the words of the 139th Psalm:  “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit them together in my mother’s womb.....You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe.”  I received forgiveness from God and my family that same day.  I eventually attended a healing study called Surrendering the Secret.  I worked through the grief that I had suppressed for three decades. I took responsibility for my choice to abort.  Most importantly, I came to accept the freedom from the bondage of guilt that only God offers...and that is why I’m silent no more!