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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

EXPRESS YOUR REGRET

Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Set Free
Melody
Saskatchewan, Canada

I was 16 when I had my first abortion. Scared and with no counselling, I agreed with my FAMILY and FRIENDS that it was the right choice. I didn't even think of my baby’s beating heart. I believed it was just a clump of tissue. Before the abortion, there was no discussion of risks or side effects.I thought my life would change forever if I had this child and didn’t know until later that my parents were looking into a home for young mothers. I thought abortion was my only option, and I chose it.

About a month later, I was depressed and didn’t care what happened to my body. The pain ran so deep. I had many different sexual relationships in a desperate attempt to feel loved. I drank and used drugs to numb the pain. I slept a lot because life was much better in dreams.

I went on a low-dose birth control pill and got pregnant again after missing some pills. I told the father, and he said it was up to me. I thought he was saying he didn’t want a baby. I drank more and did more drugs, not even considering the life I carried.

I was three months pregnant when I finally told a family member.  I went to an abortion clinic in the states, where I was awake for the whole procedure. I heard the suction, and I watched the jar fill up with my baby, piece by piece. The nurse said it was just tissue. I drank so much that night, trying to forget what I done, again.

The guilt and remorse came again. I got pregnant a third time, intentionally, the same year.  I’ve learned that many women who experience multiple abortions often do that. I got married and had our baby, but we divorced six months later. 

My son was three when I had my third abortion.  I drove myself because I didn’t want to tell anyone I was going to climb onto that table again. The procedure was extremely painful. Afterward, I was weak and bleeding heavily, but I didn’t want to go back to the hospital. I had to stay at a friend’s house, because I couldn’t drive myself home. 

I never talked about my abortions to anyone, including doctors. But I needed to feel whole and to fill that void of shame and grief. Through years of searching, I found God who would forgive all I had done and help restore my character. He set me free and healed my pain. 

One day, on TV, I heard the testimony of a woman who had an abortion. I finally knew I wasn’t alone. I cried so hard with the realization of what I had done and grieved my children and my choice. I asked God to forgive me. Later, I wrote a song for my three aborted children. It was a love letter to them, filled with my regret.

God gave me courage to speak out. I wanted to be a voice for my children, to reach women with a message of healing and to expose the lies about abortion. I now had a purpose.

I still find myself mourning my unborn children at times. But going through Rachel's Vineyard helped me heal as well as go through a grieving process which gave me peace to know they are in Heaven. 

Twenty-seven years later I have three wonderful children, Derek, Dezsarae and Naiomi.
I also have three beautiful children in heaven, Daniel, Cherice, and Tamara. For them, I am Silent No More.

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