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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Something Missing
Donna
Pennsylvania, United States

I got pregnant in 1979 with my boyfriend’s child while I was attending nursing school. My mother was proud of the career path I was on. I know she wanted her daughters to do well in the world.  She wanted to make sure that we were financially independent. I always knew I had to go to college, and there was no questioning that. I was a smart young girl, and I always excelled in my schooling. I was not necessarily choosing to be a nurse, but I went to nursing school because I knew I would do well and becoming a nurse would insure my financial security. 

When I got pregnant, I know my mother was mortified, but I did tell her right away, because I told her everything! She suggested I got an abortion, gently.  But I knew I had no other option in her mind. It was an unspoken thing. She never told my father. I believe he would have looked at the situation differently. My mother thought that I would lose all that I had worked for if I didn’t. I knew that was what she was thinking. Or maybe she actually said it.  But, again, it was a given that I always did what I thought my mother wanted me to do. This was the one time in my life I was tempted to cry out "No, I feel like a mother now, and I think I already love this baby"!  But like always I just did what everyone thought I should do. 

I had my abortion. I was in a state of shock right before and for a while after. I felt like the wind was taken out of me in a way. I felt no more joy, and I knew for a long time after my abortion that something was wrong with me. I cried myself to sleep at night for a very long time. 

I quit my nursing program and nursing school two months short of getting my degree and nursing certificate to qualify for the RN licensure exam. In 1980 I met my husband, and I went on with my life.  I got married in 1981. I had a baby girl in 1982 and then a son in 1985. Once I had my son, it hit me. What did I do? I knew my first born, my unborn child, had been a baby boy, too. My heart knew. 

Time went by. I was a busy mom. I had to stuff all those feelings. I had no time to figure out what was wrong with me. But I still had that dark cloud hanging over me. Here I had a husband and two very beautiful children, and I still felt like something was missing. During my son's very early years I realized that I was having a repetitive dream. It was always about losing my son, Chris. I was so afraid of losing him and was extra protective of him. I was too protective. Actually, I was overprotective with both my children! 

I heard about counseling available in the next town for post abortion syndrome. I looked into the signs of PTSD and post-abortion syndrome. Then I knew that was the root of my sadness and other problems I was having in coping. The nightmares I was having about losing my son was a sure sign that I needed healing from my abortion and my losing a child. At the crisis pregnancy center, I attended one on one counseling sessions using the booklet to recall my abortion experience and about how God sees me and the sin of abortion. I was forced painfully to relive my experience, and this brought all of it to the surface. Many of the details around that time I had stuffed down very deep. When the counseling was over, I was left on my own to deal with my feelings. I actually had a time where I was huddled in the corner, and I felt I was reliving my abortion procedure! As time went on, with God's forgiveness and healing mercy I felt better. My children are grown and this is my time. 

In 2016 I attended a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat at the Shrine of Our Lady of Czestochowa in Doylestown, PA. I always wanted to attend a RV Retreat. I have never been in a place where I felt more love and compassion. I attended this retreat because I still thought that I was having a problem with totally forgiving my mother, and mostly because I knew I was having a problem with forgiving myself. Now I attend retreats at the shrine to volunteer and to attend reunions. I have met so many post abortive woman and men. I continue to go to the Shrine and because the many new connections I have made helps me in my continued journey of healing.

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