I had an abortion, mainly because I did not want to disappoint or upset my father. Other reasons included that I was trying to finish college and was getting married within a few months of the pregnancy and didn't feel I was ready to be a parent. As I have gotten older, I realize that all these reasons were very selfish.
The staff at the abortion clinic were like robots. This obviously was just routine to them. Immediately after the abortion, the doctor informed me that the baby was a girl. I wish he hadn't told me, because it was so much easier not to “humanize” the baby. I cried so hard after that, and I couldn't stop. I knew I had made a huge mistake. I wanted to stop the procedure before it started, but I didn't have the courage.
As time went on after the abortion, I tried to put it out of my mind and pretend it never happened. My husband and I have only recently been able to talk about the incident. Every time I think of my little girl I am filled with shame and regret.
I have found forgiveness through my faith. I am told by the pastors at the church I attend that God will forgive even this awful sin, and I am trying to believe that what they say is true. I have not sought any other type of help, but I am ready to be silent no more!
I have been happily married for the last 32 years and have had two healthy sons. I often wonder what our lives would have been like had our little girl been a part of our family.