I was 19 years old, in college, and my first girlfriend (1st person I ever had sex with) was pregnant. I was a first generation college student from a single parent home. I thought that a college degree was the ticket to my future. I saw an unplanned pregnancy as an obstacle to that. I told my girlfriend that having an abortion was the best thing for us to do. She said that she agreed.

Yet there was a question she often asked until she had the abortion. ‘Do you think that this is the right thing to do?. My answer was always yes. We spoke on the phone the morning of the abortion. We were in different cities during our summer break. She asked me the question one final time. After a long pause, I said ‘Yes’. Her mother drove her to the abortion clinic. My heart felt numb. She was traumatized by what she experienced. There was nothing that I could do to comfort her afterwards.

The relationship ended in a few months. The guilt, shame, and loss were overwhelming. I became promiscuous, often drunk to drown out the pain, struggled with depression, filled with rage, unable to make decisions. There was an unhealthy drive in me to graduate college to prove that I was not a failure.

After graduating, I faced another unplanned pregnancy. This time I chose marriage and to have the child. I was trying to atone for my past failure. Things got worse. The guilt, shame, depression, rage, drunkenness and inability to make decisions increased. I was committing adultery, working long hours, and going to graduate school. I found it hard to bond with my wife and my son after he was born. The marriage ended after four years.

Desperate, I asked Jesus to forgive me and give me a new life. God’s grace began setting me free from guilt, sexual immorality, drunkenness, and unhealthy relationships. Four years later, I married my current wife. I was growing in my relationship with God. 

Yet, I was still dealing with shame, depressed, angry, indecisive, and found it hard to bond with my wife and kids. I was questioning ‘God, what is wrong with me?’  

I shared about the abortion with a friend. I was asked to share about the abortion at an event. After the event, a man asked me “Have you invited Jesus to heal you from the effects of the abortion?” He later sent me a book which helped me to see how deeply abortion had wounded me as a man. I began to make a connection between the abortion and the shame, depression, rage, indecisiveness, and my inability to bond with my wife and children. After years of these things deeply affecting me, I went through a healing program. 

After going through it, I have a closer relationship with God and my wife of 20 years and our 6 kids. Jesus has removed the shame. Depression and anger are rare. I am more confident in making decisions, and my heart is more caring and sensitive to others. 

Lastly, I have been able to process the grief of the loss of my daughter Miriam from abortion. That is why I am silent no more