I recently turned 50. I have had many years to do nothing but think about the abortion that took the life of my unborn child. I was 18 years old and got pregnant my senior year in higher school. He was my high school sweetheart and the first person I even had sex with. Within a month of my 18th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. Literally the first or second time we had sex. I was nervous. My parents are church goers. They did not want to be embarrassed with having an unmarried pregnant teenager. 

Abortion for this child was not discussed. However, I moved in with my mother to hide from the people of the church. Although that didn’t phase me. My mother once did beg me to abort. But for this child I chose life. I had a baby girl in Oct 1990. She was mine and for while it was just her and I. I returned to my hometown and worked at a restaurant for awhile. 

My daughter was two years old. I dated one of the cooks for a while. Being stupid I failed to use protection with him. He was verbally and physically abusive. I found myself pregnant in April 1993. I will be honest I wanted this problem to just go away. I had very little money. Had one child already. I was not married. I did not want to have another child by a different partner. I just ignored it for a few weeks. Then decided what needed to be done. 

I scheduled an abortion in June 1993. I was taken to Planned Parenthood in Kansas City. The staff ushered me into an interview room. Asked a couple of questions. Given info on the vacuum type abortion. I was not offered any pre-abortion counseling. I was not made to wait to validate my decision. It was like pulling a tooth to them. I was sent to the procedure room alone. I was asked to get in the feet holders and spread my legs. I did not meet my abortionist until my legs were spread and my body was in position. 

I asked the nurse if I was making the right decision. She told me it was, based on my history and having a child already and no money, it was the best thing I could do. I was encouraged and cheered on at the decision to have an abortion. I was sedated. I then begged to see the ultrasound so I could see my baby once. They refused. I cried and cried. I tried to close my legs, but they were spread against my will. They said I was fine and continued the vacuum tube was put in my vagina and the vacuum turned on. I said I wanted to run away and save the life of my baby. They ignored me, I was semi sedated. The procedure was over pretty fast. I was still bleeding when I was taken to a recovery room. 

I was there a short period. I was sent away still bleeding, with a fever and a script for doxycycline.  I had to have a D&C at the ER the next day. As there were parts left inside me. I did eventually recover physically. The magnitude of the guilt I felt never goes away. I was convinced I would never have any more children. I felt I was being punished by God. I always seemed to get pregnant easily. After my abortion I did not. 

For many years I prevented pregnancy. Even after my first marriage I never got pregnant for 6 years. My abortion had affected my ability to get pregnant and damaged my female reproductive system. I did go on and have another child 17 years after having my only daughter and 14 years after my abortion. My two daughters are now 31 and 14. 

I had to explain this to them both and explain why their sibling had to die. I have tried to make a case against Planned Parenthood for years. Over my forced abortion and sexual assault. But I have always been dismissed. I live with the depression, mental scars and grief over my missing baby. I wonder who he would have been. What he would have become. Had I been given more time and options. Had I been able to meet e doctor before my abortion. If I had been able to see my baby, I might have fought harder and had a different outcome.